(Minghui.org) I started to practice Falun Dafa before July 20, 1999, and was certain that I had good enlightenment quality.
I told myself that I believed in Dafa with all my heart.
However, I could not let go of many attachments and always wanted things—just like an everyday person. I stopped cultivating in Dafa and lived again the life of an ordinary person. Actually, I was worse than an ordinary person and did a lot of things that even ordinary society frowns upon.
After all, I was still young and figured that, once I enjoyed life to the fullest, I would lose those attachments and then practice Dafa again. I thought that as long as I kept Dafa in my heart, I would be saved by Dafa, no matter what I did. I did try on and off to cultivate, but could not stay away from the life of an everyday person.
I hated myself for lacking a strong will. In my heart, I knew that Dafa was good but could not understand what held me back from cultivating. Over time, it got more and more difficult to cultivate, especially since I thought that this was the last phase of the Fa-rectification—a thought that blocked me from cultivating. However, whenever I faced danger, I instinctively asked Master for help.
As my inability to cultivate continued, I listened to Master’s lectures during an entire night in January 2015, but I fell back into my old ways afterwards. Whenever I had health problems, I reached for Dafa; when I felt better, I stopped cultivating.
When I had listened to all of Master’s lectures and began to read Zhuan Falun, a thought popped into my mind: “I have lost the chance to cultivate in Dafa. No matter what I do, I am finished.” That vivid thought horrified me, and I was felt as if I was drowning in my feelings of panic, fear, and regret.
I realized that, as a Dafa disciple, if one did not do well and complete one's mission, one would lose the chance and face the extinction of body and soul. But I had stopped reading the Fa, so I did not have to think about it.
Now that I do think about it, the way I was living was worse than dying. That painful feeling is beyond words. It was horrifying!
Last-Ditch Effort
Nevertheless, I refused to give up, because I did not want to accept the consequences of not cultivating. I kept reading Zhuan Falun and doing the exercises every morning and evening. I sent righteous thoughts hourly, except for when I was sleeping. My life began to center around Dafa.
It seemed strange, but I felt no pain during the sitting meditation. When I did the wheel-holding exercise, it also seemed so easy. These sensations lasted for three days. I read Zhuan Falun, and yet I felt that I was disconnected from Dafa.
I decided to ask Master to help me. I opened Zhuan Falun, but I dared not look at Master’s photo. I felt Master was too far away for me to reach and that there was no hope.
My health worsened and I did not want to eat, although my stomach grumbled and I I had hard time breathing. I almost told my family to get ready for my funeral.
I knelt before Master’s photo, cried very hard, and begged Master to save me. While I sat there, my mind told me that I was just deceiving myself.
I was almost at the point of giving up.
Finding What I Needed to Hear in Master's Latest Lecture
I had not read Master’s latest lecture, “Fa Teaching Given at the 2014 San Francisco Fa Conference.” It came to me that I needed to, so I started to read it with an uneasy mind. Gradually, I calmed down. Every word showed me Master's compassion and I felt closer to Master. I felt that I had returned to Dafa. That feeling was so amazing.
I then read Master's other lectures that talked about the old forces. It is true that Master is always compassionate and does not want to give up on any disciple. The old forces are just the opposite.
It came to me that it was the old forces that persecuted me and were responsible for my bad thoughts. I asked Master to strengthen me so I could send strong righteous thoughts and eliminate the interference by the old forces. Suddenly, my body felt light and I knew that Master helped me. I still had hope.
Next, I did the sitting meditation, and this time I felt happy and comfortable. I was sure I had returned to Dafa. I even felt the pain again when I did the sitting meditation after a few days.
Master Encourages Me
I began to read the Falun Dafa books more attentively. Right away, Master said at the 2015 San Francisco lecture, “If you could maintain the drive you had before...” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2014 San Francisco Fa Conference”)
I knew for certain that Master encouraged me with these words.
My parents and I did the exercises together that morning. While I was doing the fourth exercise, I felt a Falun rotating rapidly in my hands for the first time.
I sent righteous thoughts and felt Falun rotating in my hands. It was the first time I had ever felt Falun since I first started to practiced Dafa. I realized that Master had encouraged me again. I now understood the meaning of, “the aspect that is the wide and far-reaching Buddha's grace.” (“Teaching the Fa at the 2003 Lantern Festival”)
I cried and told my parents about my recent experiences. I obtained Dafa but still had committed countless sins. Master did not give up on me and still gave me another chance. I need to tell others about my experiences to encourage them to cultivate diligently and not give up their cultivation practice.
My mother told me to write down my experiences and send them to the Minghui website. I hope that my fellow practitioners come to value Dafa more and not let go of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
As Master said: “Once the illusion that you cannot let go of disappears, you will realize what you have lost.” (“Practicing Cultivation After Retirement” from Essentials For Further Advancement)
