(Minghui.org) Greetings to Revered Master, greetings to fellow practitioners.
I am fortunate to be able to practice Falun Dafa during this time in history. However, on my path of cultivation, I have stumbled repeatedly. After struggling through the karmic tests that interfered with me during the past few years, I felt very emotional when I read what Master said:
“Your life came to this earth all for this. How could you not be diligent, and grow lax? This is your moment of destiny, the chance you have waited all eternity for! For however long it has been, you were all along preparing for this, suffering and shedding karma. Yet now, after all the hardship and pain, when you have made it to this day, somehow you have become not diligent. Isn’t that a shame?!” (“Fa Teaching on World Falun Dafa Day”)
“...all beings have come for the Fa” (“Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Western U.S. Fa Conference”)
I reminded myself that no matter how hard it is, I must be a genuine practitioner. I would like to share how I eliminated my fundamental attachment of wanting comfort in everyday life, and got past the illness karma that tormented me for a long time.
Saving People While Suffering Sickness Karma
After I began practicing Falun Dafa, the illnesses that used to torment me disappeared. Last October I got very ill again. I had terrible cramps in my lower abdomen and passed an abnormal amount of blood. I was unable to exercise, and could barely care for myself, let alone do the three things we are asked to do. I knew the old forces were exploiting my notions, but had no clue what they were.
When I was healthy, I liked to help hang up Falun Dafa banners and put up Falun Dafa literature outdoors. I also explained to people what the persecution was all about, and helped them quit the Chinese Communist Party. Quite a few officials I talked to understood, quit the CCP, and became supporters of Falun Dafa.
When I got sick, I could barely get out of bed, which meant I couldn't go out and talk to people. One day after studying the Fa teachings, I knew that I shouldn't continue acknowledging the old forces' arrangements. I got the posters and banners ready, and I started to leave, but just then the abdominal pain worsened. My husband, who was also a practitioner, told me not to push it, and that I should wait and go the next day. I knew that if I didn't go that day, I would be walking on the path arranged by the old forces. So I went.
We were out talking to people for more than two hours that night. I passed a lot of blood, but I didn't feel tired at all.
When the movement to sue Jiang Zemin began, I knew that I had to get the news out right away, so that more people would understand the facts. When I went out to hang up banners about it, I didn't encounter any trouble, and knew that Master was helping me. My husband went out the next morning and told me that when he came back, the banner was where I had hung it, on the tree in a market, and many people were looking at it.
Local practitioners organized a group to talk to the police about Falun Gong. One night the practitioner who usually drove us couldn't make it, so I immediately volunteered to drive everyone. Though I hadn't driven since the day I got my driver's license, I knew that I could do it because the reason I got a driver’s license in the first place was to help clarify the truth. Things went well that night. After I got home, I realized that I wasn't feeling sick at all. I knew that as long as I let go of worrying about myself, and thought only of the sentient beings, I was shouldering my historic responsibility.
Letting Go of Fundamental Attachments and Assimilating to the Fa
My husband and I became practitioners in 1994. At the time my husband was starting to move up in his career, but he chose to focus more on the practice. I, on the other hand, tried to steer my husband in the other direction, and wanted to make sure that he focused on his career.
After the persecution began in 1999, I was arrested many times, and suffered from illness karma. Despite my efforts to look within for my attachments and help other practitioners stay in the practice, my health didn't improve.
When practitioners started to file criminal complaints against Jiang, I knew that I also had to do it. I wasn't afraid of exposing my identity, but as soon as I picked up the pen, I felt sick, and was unable to continue writing. Every time this happened, I blamed my husband. I believed that I was suffering because he failed to do well in his career, and to bring me the happiness and comfort I felt I deserved. I turned into an ordinary person who didn't want to suffer.
Right before the deadline to submit articles for the 12th China Fahui, the interference was strong, and I couldn't write anything. I wanted to share my experience so badly. I told Master that I had never compromised in the face of evil and torture. I begged him to let me know what I had done wrong, and how to stop the illness karma from interfering. Suddenly, my thoughts over the past years of practice appeared clearly in my head.
I was born in a family that was terribly discriminated against, and persecuted by the CCP during the Cultural Revolution. I was treated unfairly growing up, and opportunities were stripped away from me for no good reason. I fought and fought, and worked so hard just to get a college degree, believing that it would help me.
When I chose whom to marry, I wanted someone who was capable of moving up in society. My husband at the time was a chief official running a group of more than a thousand people. He was talented, a good writer, and well organized. I believed that he was my ticket out.
My husband didn't disappoint me. He worked extremely hard to get one promotion after another. I was proud to see a prosperous future.
Things took a downturn when my husband got very ill from overwork. He had anemia and hepatitis. When the doctor said that he couldn't be cured, my bubble burst. I thought about slapping his face when he died, and ending my own life.
After my husband became a practitioner, he regained perfect health, and I started dreaming again of a glorious future. This dream ended with the persecution two years later. I still hoped that one day the CCP would redress the wrongs committed against Falun Dafa and we would be fine. I got disappointed again because I knew we were getting old and I might not live to see the day when we were both rich.
My memory ended here and I was awakened. All these years I had wanted a comfortable life. Being unable to lead this life was the reason I held such a grudge against my husband, his family, and the family I tried to build. I became a practitioner because I was fundamentally attached to a comfortable life in this secular world. I wanted to be healthy so that I could enjoy my husband's success. I wanted to clarify the truth so the persecution could end and I could have it easy. I couldn't let go of wishful thinking, and the old forces were exploiting it all this time.
I finally understood why I had always felt there was a wall between me and the Falun Dafa teachings when I studied. I wasn't enlightened by the teachings, despite my eagerness to do the three things well.
Teacher said:
“Studying the Fa with attachments is not true cultivation. Yet during the course of cultivation a person may gradually become aware of his fundamental attachments, rid himself of them, and thus meet the standard for a cultivator. What’s a fundamental attachment, then? Human beings acquire many notions in this world and are, as a consequence, driven by these notions to pursue what they yearn for. But when a person comes to this world, it is karmic arrangements that determine his course of life and what will be gained and lost in it. How could a person’s notions determine each stage of his life? So those so-called “beautiful dreams and wishes” become pursuits that can never be realized, despite painful attachments.” (“Towards Consummation” from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
I said to Master, “Please don't worry about me. I will let go of the attachment to comfort, and cherish this opportunity that I have waited all eternity for. I will carry out my vow to save people.” I immediately felt changes in my body, and all the pain disappeared.
Teacher said:
“Once you upgrade your xinxing, your body will undergo a great change. Upon xinxing improvement, the matter in your body is guaranteed to transform.” (Zhuan Falun)
