I. Initial Realization
I went to Beijing for the first time in 1999, I was prepared to endure any hardship and pass any test. When I got there, however, I found the situation to be much more complicated than I had expected. I had a hard time deciding what to do. That night the police arrived at the hotel where we were staying. Since there were so many people in the hotel, it was hard for them to take action. They decided to arrest us at midnight. Knowing this, we could have escaped. Instead, we argued in the hotel room about whether we should stay or leave. We felt that "escaping" would imply that we had the "attachment to fear" which would cause us not to pass the test. Even if we successfully appealed in Tiananmen Square, the end result would be the same. Therefore, why not just get arrested now.
We were arrested that night. At the police station, I was still in a confused state. I was there for 2 days and 2 nights. What I saw, heard and thought there shocked me. During those 2 days, Beijing's temperature suddenly dropped 10 degrees. We were all wearing thin clothing and had no food. Our group even included a practitioner in his 80s and a baby under one-year old. In the middle of the night I could hear the howling of the icy wind mixed with the baby's crying. It was heart breaking. Why was this happening and what on earth was our crime? With tears in my eyes I wondered, why can't we have a place to do our exercises? Why were we not allowed to read a book that teaches us to be good people?
My true nature, my heart, realized that the purpose of my trip to Beijing was to safeguard the Fa! Doing a good job safeguarding the Fa requires every disciple's whole-hearted effort.
I made a vow then and there never to shed a single tear for myself. From then on, everything I did would be for the Fa.
After the local police escorted me back to my hometown, I felt exceptionally calm. I entered the interrogation office and sat across from the police officer. He looked at me and to my surprise said, "I saw the way you walked in here and I knew instantly that your mind couldn't be changed." He didn't ask me any more critical questions. He just asked questions about Dafa. I could see that he was extremely interested in Dafa. Thus my first trial was full of sunshine and peace.
Not until later did I fully realize this thought, "As long as my heart is clear and full of brightness, evil will never have a place."
I was released one week later. That was when I truly started to ascend in Dafa.
Only then did I realize how many attachments I had, how many complicated ways I had of protecting myself. Although they manifested only superficially and had not cost me regrets, I clearly realized my shortcomings, incompleteness and selfishness.
II. Awakening
I lost my job. It provided me with a good opportunity to stay home and read the book. My heart opened after I memorized the first chapter of Zhuan Falun. I saw a huge building on the verge of collapse while everyone in the building was still busy decorating his or her tiny little room. It was so pitiful and ridiculous. If the Fa at this human level is destroyed, then nothing will be left. Why is everyone so preoccupied with selfish concerns? What about those disciples who are not able to progress and step out of their human boundaries? Had their laxity helped evil to raise its whip? I realized that the disciples who could not step out of their human boundaries would not qualify to enter the new universe.
That day I was constantly in tears. I knew I would go to Beijing again. If the Fa is not rectified, then clearly the disciples must work harder to safeguard Fa.
I kept waking up in the middle of the night feeling that my life was about to leave this human flesh. I started to understand that "giving up life and death" is not the end of cultivation; instead, it is a new start. It marks the beginning of life as a Dafa disciple.
Before we went to Beijing again, we did a lot of work. We held experience sharing conferences and distributed material from the Minghui website. One phrase often came to mind, "All gods return to their origin." (unofficial translation, Hong Yin) I realized that in order to rectify the Fa, all disciples needed to reach a clear understanding as a whole. Teacher said, "Strive forward together, A bright future lies ahead." (unofficial translation of In Harmony With the Fa from Hong Yin)
The second time I was arrested, my mentality was totally different from the first. I told my captors that they didn't have the right to arrest us. They took me away and assigned a policeman to record what I did. I told him that he had no right to do so. I felt that my voice was emanating from deep inside my life; the policeman was so stunned that he couldn't even speak. He took me to the adjacent room with many other policemen. I told them the same thing, that when they persecute Dafa, they commit unforgivable sins. At that moment, I felt a light from my heart shoot out from my body and brighten up the whole room. It affected everybody. The policemen panicked. They didn't know what to do. One policeman started to draw flowers on the interrogation paper. Another said he wanted to teach me a lesson. He threw his fist toward my nose. I did not move a bit. His fist stopped at the tip of my nose. He said, "You didn't even blink. You really have guts!"
I regained my freedom in less than 24 hours. Almost everyone else was detained for over a month. While walking on the street, I felt like I was dreaming. At the same time, both my heart and my body felt extremely tired, a tiredness difficult to describe.
I realized that although we are just individual human beings on the surface, when we combat the evil forces while completely abandoning all of our attachments, we use our true nature to rectify the Fa. This force is too strong to be damaged and too powerful to resist.
In fact, Teacher had said a long time ago "one's gong level is as high as one's xinxing level." The more one gives up one's selfishness and becomes more truthful, the more protection one will receive from the universe. The more one tries to protect oneself, the more one is turned away from Dafa and the worse one's situation will be. When a person reaches the standard of this realm, his simple words or actions will create immeasurable results. It is in fact the work of xinxing. It is the immense power of Dafa.
III. Omissions
A few days later I went to Beijing again. I realized that everything we did was for the "peaceful resolution of the Falun Gong issue in China."
But the human heart is often unsteady. We became attached to doing Dafa work and attached to rectifying the Fa in a short time. We rarely spent time doing the exercises and studying the Fa. We felt exhausted every day, and our efficiency decreased every day. We were in trouble. We felt extremely tired both physically and mentally. The police were active in arresting us everywhere. Our work for Dafa was facing many obstacles.
Many disciples were arrested. Because we didn't correct our deviation in time, the loss was tremendous.
In a short period of time, our strongest disciples were sentenced to labor camps. I resisted with my life and escaped.
After I escaped, I had serious doubts whether I was doing the right thing. Why was I unwilling to be sent to a labor camp? Was there something I was unwilling to let go of? Was I afraid? I did not have a clear explanation, but my true nature told me that my firm heart was not willing to cooperate with any form of evil. Because I had protected Dafa books with my life, I had never lost any Dafa related materials. With my life I had resisted the ransacking of my house or being monitored at home; with my life I had resisted every manifestation of evil. In those darkest days I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. Because so many practitioners were calmly accepting the persecution, I was confused. I felt great pain.
Gradually I saw respect in the eyes of the police. I saw that what they said started to change. The field of righteousness around me was subduing the evil. In June I finally saw Teacher's scripture. In September many practitioners who calmly accepted the evil persecution were "reformed."
Although my mind was becoming clearer through understanding the principles of the Fa, I still always felt exhausted. It seemed my energy was never enough. Why? I was still confused.
I finally realized that the cause of my problems was my Xinxing. I felt exhausted because the capacity of my heart was not enough. It all came down to the word "Compassion." Kindness and endless Compassion are the inexhaustible source for righteousness and power. " Falun is forever rotating to offer salvation of all beings." Fundamental selflessness is the nature of the universe. Teacher said, "The principle of mutual-generation and mutual-inhibition will change in the future." I realized that once "the principle of mutual-generation and mutual-inhibition" went to an extreme, there would be an irreversible ending. However, our Dafa creates perfect harmony. The inner rotation of Falun offers salvation to oneself, while the outer rotation of Falun offers salvation to others. Falun rotates forever, offering salvation to everyone with the inexhaustible power of the Fa. Dafa disciples should be the same way.
IV. Giving up life and death once more
Because of the limited capacity of my heart, when I was enduring one tribulation after another I often thought I had given enough. There was so much evil. It seemed we would never be able to eliminate it.
When I looked at the people in this world, I saw that they were missing an opportunity that happens once in ten thousand years. How could I have peace in my heart? If my one selfish thought and attachment of not willing to give anymore were to cost one single life the chance to be saved, how could I feel ease in my heart and reach consummation myself?
I realized that my obstacle was my own selfishness, so I had to cultivate and strive forward.
During the process, fear came up many times. There were times I stepped backwards. I even thought about giving up. But I overcame the obstacles one after another. Each time I fell down, I got up and began to cultivate again. I felt as if my heart was being constantly pressured and refined. Gradually, my heart became stronger and purer.
One time when I was holding the law wheel, I felt the effort I put forth had solidified into precious stones, shining like rubies. The wisdom of my thought shined like sapphire. Now I understood how a diamond is transformed.
V. Dissolving into the Fa
Two years have passed. Fa-rectification has entered a new level. I discovered that although we don't necessarily have supernatural power at the human level, our righteous thought is powerful whenever it comes out. However, righteous thought does not just come out at will. Sometimes it comes out even before any human thoughts are formulated. Sometimes when I try to generate it with my human mind, it will not be effective. The key is xinxing.
The power of an individual life is always limited, but once I join the immense flow of Fa-rectification, I am connected to the righteous power of the universe. Sometimes when I practice at home, I think about sending my power to where the persecution is most severe. I feel my power truly manifests there. Sometimes I think the Fa-guarding gods hold swords at my door to prevent evil from entering my house. Surely enough, evil rarely visits me. Even when they come, they only leave me some comments and don't enter my house. Once my computer had problems. I thought, "Why can't I use the particles of my mind to fix its problems." Then when I turned the computer on again, it was indeed fixed. For a period the newspaper I ordered always carried articles defaming Dafa. I thought to use my power to subdue the minds of the editors; and indeed that type of article was greatly reduced.
In retrospect, I realize that my path for the future should be better paced. I understand that assimilating to Dafa is for the existence of life (it is the only meaning of life, too). It means that we should catch up with the Fa-rectification process. If I cannot function as a righteous particle in the Fa-rectification, I would rather lose life forever.