(Sudden searches are so frequent in jail that I could not keep my diary anymore. What I have are lose sheets of paper and I am not sure about their dates and order now.)
[1] My heart sank at the moment I was arrested by the police. I even had a little panic that was out of my control, so I responded to the police with silence. I felt very bad when I thought about how much there was still left to do. I saw so many practitioners detained that I wished it weren't true. However, these impulses in my heart gave way when I realized that I was a practitioner.
I was sent to jail that night. The long corridor was dark, creepy, and full of wet, cold air. Immediately, I was mistreated by a group of criminals in an inhumane manner. They forced me to the side of a toilet and forced me to take off all my clothes, and then executed a so-called "procedural process". They treated me even worse after knowing that I was a practitioner. I really thought I was in a hell on earth. Even after their violent beatings had bruised my body, I felt that the energy passages in my body were very strong, and I had a deep and tranquil feeling. I felt that there was a complete strong self inside my body. Others asked how I felt. I did not say anything. Later, while looking at myself I was also surprised, for an everyday person with my small size would have been badly injured.
[2] In this small cell, I could see a little bit of the sky and I discovered more wonders of this world. In fact, what I had seen was all very clear, clean, and brilliant. The joy in my heart continued to emerge. From the microscopic particles to the macroscopic world, the universe clearly appears in my heart, and the things I was attached to all appear as such a vanity to me. Those things were quickly gone. Just as the snow and ice of winter evaporates quickly in the bright sunlight, all these things are now assimilated to the light of the Buddha Fa.
The environment here is quite messy and dirty. People here talk about various lustful, filthy topics all day long. Their conversations and thoughts are constantly testing me since they are all devils and beings of karma. Only "Practicing Cultivation" and "Living with Truth-Compassion-Forbearance" are truly clean and pure. Sometimes I felt everything around me, and my own movements and words all contain such profound implications of Dafa that the gray walls, iron gates, the curses and the beatings from vicious policemen, and coldness and thirst could all be defeated. I felt that my whole body was entirely enveloped in the radiance of Falun [law wheel]. The more the hardship, hunger, cold and suffering I experience, the more obvious the energy field is. One can only understand the meaning of the tribulations in one's life after experiencing them. While enduring the torture I became enlightened to what Master has said [in Hongyin, Teacher's poem collection]: "Cultivation of Xinxing [mind or heart nature, moral character] is the way to attainment in cultivation, endurance of hardships is the boat across the boundless sea of the Great Law."
[3] The pain was extreme when my head was stomped on and the shoe skidded down my face. The stench of the shoe's sole told me that I have to endure every piece of my own karma.
[4] I heard that a practitioner was once again abused very badly. I saw other practitioners going on hunger strike and pounding the walls to oppose the violence and protect Dafa [great law and universal principle] with their lives. Seeing the genuine cultivation of letting go of the attachment of life and death, I understood that giving up life is a test, a very big test. The worse the environment gets, the more powerful the forbearance is. Every step in cultivation is a test, and we have to break through every test. Language is limited, and our wisdom is also superficial, yet Buddha Fa [law and universal principle] itself is extremely profound.
[5] A kind-hearted person asked me whether I could even say the words "stop practicing". I replied with "No way". A god is different from an everyday person. A god accords his mind with his body, and his words and conduct are consistent.
Someone asked me why I participated in such a dangerous thing while clearly knowing the consequences. I answered: It is a solid state of mind attained through practicing cultivation. It is the thought for Dafa.
Before, I had been waiting and expecting Teacher to transform something for me. Actually, Teacher has given us everything, yet they are all blocked by our own attachments. The moment one's mind is righteous, one attains it. So what are we waiting for? What we are waiting for is just to give up our own confusion and attachments. On my path of cultivation, whenever I met the standards of what I became enlightened to, a corresponding new world would be opened up level after level. I won't have it if I don't do it. Teacher said [in Hongyin, Teacher's poem collection]: "Compare everything with Dafa, it is cultivation when you actually get it done." It's really marvelous, and this is literally the ladder to heaven.
[6] One policeman asked me: You had a promising career and a good future. Why you would do such a silly thing? I recited a paragraph of "Lun Yu" [the forwarding statement in the books Zhuan Falun and Falun Gong] to him. I told him that it is just like a blind person whose eyes are now open and can see the marvelous and real world, and yet now someone is asking me to close my eyes and return to the dark world. This is what I can't accept. I have obtained this "new world" and no one can destroy it. Others may feel philosophical about Buddha Fa; see the wisdom of Buddha Fa, yet it is Buddha Fa itself that amazes me.
[7] Now I am practicing cultivation in jail. My cultivation is not interrupted even though I am in jail. Practicing cultivation is the most wonderful thing and cannot be impeded. I used to drift along with the winds and waters like a rotten leaf in society. But now I am a practitioner, a practitioner of Falun Dafa [Buddha Law]. Once my mind to practice cultivation was determined, I wouldn't move a bit even when facing lightning. The steadfast mind shakes mountains, seas, and heavens!
[8] Last night, my family and child were in my dreams. I was caressing my child whole-heartedly and had a heartbreaking feeling about my family. An everyday person will abide by "truth" when it is time to resort to "truth"; abide by "compassion" when it is time to resort to "compassion"; and abide by "forbearance" when one has to forbear. However, in the cultivation practice, one has to assimilate to "Truth-Compassion-Forbearance" all the time, so one can become enlightened to the light of Buddha Fa. I understood that the joy and sadness in my heart was always the mixture of my own predestined relationship and everything in my emotional world. When I let go of my sentiments, everything will keep moving forward along its own path. Aren't the joy, distress, sadness, anger and the feeling of an everyday person's heart really karmic influence? The ache, coldness, hunger, lust, and longing are also born of karma. When I slowed down the rhythm of those I have seen, felt and looked at them separately, I found there is no karma that I should not eliminate and everything should abide by the principles of Truth-Compassion-Forbearance. I could sense that the impure things, tempting thoughts, and distracting thoughts kept coming from my body. When I examined myself with Dafa and enlightened to Dafa, it was just like experiencing the radiance of Buddha Fa, and like the radiance of Buddha Fa lights up my whole body and the entire universe. I can obtain all of these right at the moment my thought turns righteous, and those dirty and impure things will be dissolved and cannot stay there any longer.
[9] While doing sitting meditation I can feel the rhythm of time. This slowness is like clear and complete permeation, the rhythm slows down to a state that relaxes the nerves to a state of freedom and emptiness. I realize that while doing the tranquil practice, I need to let go of all the thoughts to be able to see new things and have a glimpse of the more real world. It is the tranquility in a noisy environment, it is looking without seeing, listening without hearing, and letting go of all attachments, like the police said: "they all look transparent." One cannot imagine without being inside it, only in this reality can one enlighten to it. Keeping a clean and clear mind and letting go of all kinds of attachments requires the cooperation of the body's purity and tranquility; cultivation of Xinxing requires the cooperation of the transformation of de, (virtue) what we enlighten to is Zhen-Shan-Ren [Truth-Compassion-Forbearance]. Practicing sitting meditation actually is also letting go of attachments, getting into tranquility is only how it appears.
[10] Sometimes when I become enlightened to something, I find it hard to write it down. It seems because the thought is alive and it will be fixed and constrained once I write it down. Oftentimes, I find it difficult to clearly explain and describe the enlightenment I had, since all aspects of the words I used were lost, except the words themselves. It is just like a puppy that wants to eat the sky, yet it does not know where to start the eating. However, in the process of enlightenment, I felt so abundant, lively, changing, real, and marvelous in my heart. Although these are still quite superficial things, they will turn into boring concepts, lose the illumination and meaning of life when I try to describe them. When I enlightened to something and wanted to write it down, I found that Teacher had already clearly addressed this issue. Dafa is directly aiming at people's hearts.
[11] Generally, the criminals detained here are the bad and inferior in the society. Taking them into jail can also be considered as "Using very strict measures while revealing a benevolent heart." They did not enlighten to Buddha Fa, yet Buddha Fa is miraculous. "Truth-Compassion-Forbearance" can cleanse the human nature. Our words and deeds have changed them, they hesitate to beat others, and their mentality to bully the weak is also weakening. The environment keeps changing. The cellmates become modest and developed a sense of shame. While searching inwardly and disciplining themselves, the cellmates find Forbearance, and they know how to tell wrong and evil from Truth and Benevolence. The police also become more polite now. Falun rotates without stopping, and the people with predestined relationship will naturally gain the benefits.
[12] Today I was brought into interrogation. In the corridor, I saw the police escorting a young female practitioner that I know. Seeing that they also tortured a slim and weak person like her to such an extent, bitterness filled my heart. She also saw me, and her pale face showed a bright and brilliant smile, which was so holy and pure, calm and determined. That is the radiance of the sun and moon, the blooming of heavenly flowers. Although the police did not allow us to talk to each other, what do we need to say? When I read all kinds of tribulations that Buddha Mileriba, Buddha Sakyamuni, and Jesus had been through, I always felt it was beyond imagination, but they all seem so natural and vivid to me now.
December 29, 2000
