Why I Slacked Off in Cultivation

(Minghui.org) I began practicing Falun Dafa in 1998. Prior to that, I had many health issues including heart and lung problems. Pesticide poisoning caused my body to ache, and blood often appeared in my urine. I was in pain, felt exhausted and was unable to work. I found Falun Dafa when my life seemed hopeless.

At first, I only did the first four Falun Dafa exercises, and I did not study the Fa or meditate. Still, I experienced a miracle: in less than two weeks, all my pain was gone. I became healthy and energetic. No words can express my gratitude to Master Li Hongzhi, the founder of Falun Dafa, for his compassion.

A month after I began practicing our county held a Falun Dafa cultivation experience sharing conference. The other practitioners urged me to talk about my experiences because I seemed to have the most changes. I stopped smoking, drinking alcohol and gambling after I started cultivating, and my sallow complexion became rosy.

Determined to Cultivate

Less than a year later, on July 20, 1999, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) began persecuting Falun Dafa. Since I was still a newcomer to cultivation and didn’t spend much time studying the Fa, I didn’t know what to do. I thought, “Falun Dafa is so wonderful, why aren’t we allowed to practice it?” I had many unanswered questions, but I made up my mind to continue practicing no matter what happened.

My determination overcame my fear and anxiety, but faced with the overwhelming pressure, I didn’t know what to do. Fortunately, with regular Fa study and help from other practitioners, my wish to continue practicing and do something for Master and Dafa were strong.

I distributed pamphlets and CDs about Falun Dafa. I also learned how to make CDs and print small booklets and calendars. I believed everything I did was for Master and Dafa. I never thought what I did was for myself, or that Master wanted us to build up our own virtue. It was not until sometime later, that I understood Master’s teaching.

Finding My Attachment

I started looking for my attachments several years ago. The other practitioners tried to help me. I couldn’t find the cause behind my slacking off in cultivation or clarifying the truth.

My sister, who also practices Falun Dafa, visited me and asked me to write an experience sharing paper. I didn’t want to write anything. I don’t know how to write as I only finished sixth grade. I also felt my cultivation state wasn’t good. I hadn’t planned on joining the other practitioners to celebrate Master’s birthday because I felt so bad about my cultivation.

After some persuasion from my sister, I said I’d try to write a paper. The main reason was that I might be the only remaining practitioner who attended our county’s Falun Dafa conference back in 1998. As soon as my sister left, I began to worry. My mind was blank and I had no idea what to write. Feeling unsettled because I couldn’t understand why I slacked off, I decided to leave the matter until the next day.

Master awakened me. After my sister’s visit, I had a dream. My understanding of the dream was instantaneous: I no longer actively did anything to save people, and the reason was my attachment to time. Deep down, I was looking forward to the end of Fa-rectification, and this thought was deeply hidden for a long time.

Over time, I lowered the requirements for myself in studying the Fa, doing the exercises, sending forth righteous thoughts and clarifying the truth. I was cultivating halfheartedly. My slacking off manifested as laziness. As time passed, the old forces persecuted me from all angles. My days were filled with farm work, and I had no time to do anything else. I was physically drained and in debt. There were also conflicts within the family. It was hard for me endure the pressure to sustain a livelihood. I relied on taking out loans to pay for the land I farmed. There was almost no money left after all the bills were paid. If there were incidentals that required money, I had to borrow some.

Since I was not studying the Fa enough, I didn’t realize I was being persecuted by the old forces. As a Dafa practitioner and the head of the household, I believed it was my duty to provide for the family. The old forces were trying to stop me from cultivating. I couldn’t study the Fa, I was unable to keep up with the pace of Master’s Fa-rectification, and I was in debt. I thought about ending my life but I gave up the thought as this is against Dafa’s teachings. I asked Master to forgive me. I wept as I told Master, “I still want to cultivate. Master, please don’t give up on me.”

I always felt Master’s support. For instance, I ate rice every meal with scallion dipped in soy sauce. I knew cultivators should avoid food with strong odors like uncooked scallion, but they were the only vegetables I could get because I grew them myself. I seldom went home because it brought me pain. I lived in a shelter that was a shipping container for five years. I don’t remember how I survived.

Master helped me through every hardship. If I were an ordinary person, doing farm work all day long, and eating just rice and scallion would not have been possible. I was doing the work of at least two men. An ordinary person wouldn’t be able to endure it. I’m fortunate because Master watches over me.

Even though I have some understanding of Master’s teaching, my lack of Fa study caused me to slack off in cultivation. I was satisfied with myself, as I believed the amount of work I did for Dafa surpassed what many other practitioners did. I fell into the trap of fame, but didn’t realize it until Master pointed it out to me.

I only understood this when I started to reflect on my cultivation. If I had followed Master’s teachings and always cultivated as if I were a new practitioner, after all these years, I could have helped thousands of people to quit the CCP organizations. Instead, I only help a hundred people. I knew this was far from what Master wanted.

I ask Master to strengthen me. I will study the Fa more, and correct myself based on the Fa, so I can save more sentient beings, fulfill my vow and assist Master in Fa-rectification.