My Story: Looking for Dafa

(Minghui.org) Before I started to practice Falun Dafa in China in 2011, my co-workers and friends often said I was a “strong woman.” I liked hearing this, although it was not clear what I was “strong” at.

I often talked to people in a brusque tone and kept fighting if something did not go my way. Once at work, the management department did not arrange a vehicle for my trip. I then insulted and cursed the director of the department in front of dozens of co-workers including the company president.

I argued with my husband all the time over trivial matters at home. I would only stop if he drew back first.

I was constantly tense and felt exhausted. I was burdened with illness, including heart problems. My hair began to turn gray and I had to carry instant cardio-reliever pills with me all the time. I was only thirty years old! I also suffered frequent muscle stiffness and pain, for which doctors did not know the cause or the treatment.

In 2010, I resigned from my job due to health issues. With nothing else to do at home, I surfed the Internet a lot. I particularly enjoyed reading myths and legends and watching historical TV series. In the next few months, I went through several thousands of years of Chinese history by watching TV series online.

After watching the rise and fall of China’s many dynasties and the birth and death of many historical figures, I felt so petty. I wanted to change my lifestyle.

For the first time in my life, I had the idea of becoming a nun. But I did not know how and where I should do it.

Because of decades of atheistic propaganda from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), most of my family members and relatives did not believe in the existence of Buddhas. I did not mention my idea to anyone since I did not expect any of them would understand my feelings.

My impression of what it meant to be a nun was chanting scriptures. So I searched online for various types of scriptures and chanted them secretly. I could not tell which scriptures were from which branch. I simply chanted whatever I came across.

One day, I read that Shakyamuni said that during the Dharma Ending Age, Maitreya Buddha would come to the human world and pass down a new Dharma. Suddenly, the word “Falun Dafa” appeared in my mind.

I did not really know what Falun Dafa was about. No one talked about it with me. I only knew it is relatively new and the CCP opposed it.

I remembered some years ago I met a friend on the Internet. I never met him in person but from our online conversations, I believed he was a good person. He knew a lot about Buddhism, so I decided to ask him.

I Begin to Practice Falun Dafa

After I chatted with the online friend, he sent me a software called “Freegate.” He instructed me how to use Freegate and suggested I go to the Minghui website and download the book Zhuan Falun.

With the strict Internet censorship and blockade in China, it was not easy for him to pass me these messages safely. Thinking back, I am so grateful to this friend - who is a Falun Dafa practitioner – who had so much courage and wisdom. Without him, I probably would not know what Dafa is!

When I read Zhuan Falun I found it is a book about cultivation and teaching people how to be good. Why does the CCP ban people from learning to be good? I asked the friend and he suggested I read the book a few more times.

Out of curiosity, I read Zhuan Falun word by word a few more times. I soon realized this is exactly what I was looking for. The book tells people how to cultivate. The fundamental characteristic of the universe is Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. As long as a cultivator follows these principles, plus doing the exercises, he or she can become a higher being!

At the time, I did not understand the deep meaning of the characteristic of the universe. But I felt the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance were really precious, especially in today’s morally corrupted society. A thought arose from the bottom of my heart: I want to be one of these precious lives in this chaotic world. I will follow Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance for the rest of my life!

I downloaded The Great Way of Spiritual Perfection and tried to do the exercise movements by following the descriptions in the book. When I tried the fifth exercise for the first time, I could not sit in a lotus position, instead, I sat on a chair with my feet on the floor. As soon as I closed my eyes and calmed down, I felt I was sitting on a big rotating disk. I thought my chair was moving. I opened my eyes, I saw the chair was stable. I closed my eyes, the disk started to rotate again. I was excited: everything Master said was true!

The first time I did the sitting meditation with legs crossed in a lotus position, I only lasted 17 minutes. I had to stand up since my legs hurt so badly.

In order to be able to last longer, I practiced sitting in the lotus position whenever I had the chance. I would sit as long as I could, and stood up when it hurt too much.

At the beginning, my husband looked at me strangely but said nothing. A few days later, he asked me if I was practicing Falun Dafa. I said yes. He looked at me quietly for a while.

“Do you know all the policemen on the street are trying to arrest people who practice Falun Dafa?” he asked, with a smile on his face.

“Yes, I know. I read that on the Internet.”

He looked at me longer, and nodded, “All right, you may practice at home, just don’t do it outside.”

So I began to practice Falun Dafa. I downloaded a video teaching the exercise movements, but somehow I was never able to play the video. I repeatedly studied the descriptions of the movements on The Great Way of Spiritual Perfection but I had trouble understanding several places. I actually did a movement in the 4th exercise wrong for one year until I was able to communicate with the practitioner friend.

I knew I needed to send righteous thoughts to clean up the evil elements. But I could not fully understand the descriptions from the Internet and I did not know exactly how to do it. The practitioner friend tried various ways to describe it to me, but I did not do it correctly for the next five years. I did not know how to use the lotus palm position. During the time to send righteous thoughts, I thought I was supposed to keep thinking about the evil I tried to eliminate.

I had many questions about cultivation. Under the brutal persecution, there was no safe way to communicate with the practitioner friend. When I tried to ask him something, I could not ask directly and he could not answer me directly either. Our communication was almost like a guessing game. In the end, I only half guessed everything he tried to tell me.

For the days the practitioner friend did not show up online, I would get extremely worried about his safety. I kept asking Master Li (Dafa’s founder) in my heart to protect him.

One day, he told me that his wife (also a practitioner) was arrested. I fell apart upon hearing this. I asked Master, again and again, to keep the practitioner’s wife safe. Other times I just sat there, helplessly crying.

I doubted if I should take the risk and continue to ask the practitioner questions. If I could not ask him, what should I do? There were so many things I didn’t understand! So I asked him questions every few days, although I was aware it was risky.

It was not easy for me - who used to be selfish and arrogant - to assimilate myself to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. I faced many problems when trying to balance work, life, and cultivation. I could not bother the practitioner friend too often since it might put him in danger.

Many times, I stood on the balcony alone, watched the sky, and wept in silence. On the balcony, I felt I was closer to Master as if Master was in the sky and could see and listen to me.

I desperately wanted to talk to a practitioner freely. I wished I would “bump into” some practitioners locally. Many times, I walked aimlessly along the streets and markets. Whenever I saw an elderly lady who carried a bag, I would slow down or find an excuse to stop and stand there. I so hoped she would hand me a truth clarification booklet or tell me “Falun Dafa is good”!

I looked and looked. For five years, I did not meet one single Falun Dafa practitioner. Sometimes, when I felt a person on the street looked very kind, I would slow down hoping that it was a practitioner who would talk to me about the truth of Dafa. But every time, those kind-looking people just passed me without looking at me. Many times, my teary eyes followed those people when they walked away. I begged Master in my heart, again and again: please, let me meet a Dafa practitioner!

Years passed, and I still did not find a practitioner. Yet many of my long-term illnesses disappeared, especially psoriasis which I had more than six years on my face. In the past I took a lot of medications to treat it with no success. After I practiced Falun Dafa, it was healed without me realizing it! My face became completely smooth with no trace of psoriasis. My heart problem and body pain also improved dramatically.

My character improved as well. I no longer paid attention to personal losses and gains. I stopped “fighting” to be a “strong woman.” My heart became peaceful. I no longer argued with my husband.

My husband often watched me, and said with a smile, “Pay attention to your safety.”

Persecution

Before too long, the CCP officers detected someone inside my home was frequently using software to break through the CCP’s Internet blockade. They suspected someone practiced Falun Dafa. One day, they summoned my husband and ordered him to write a guarantee statement promising that he and his family members would not practice Dafa.

My husband was frightened. He no longer watched me practice with a smile. Even though he and his family members witnessed how I improved since practicing Dafa and they all liked my character so much more afterward, they were too scared of the evil CCP. They chose to keep a distance from me. My husband started to spend nights away from home. Eventually, he asked for a divorce. He said he did not want to continue to live under fear.

I moved to a small house in the suburbs, which I bought before the divorce. It was the first time I lived alone and in an unfamiliar place. It was difficult for me.

I was a relatively new practitioner. I still had a strong attachment to sentiment. I did not tell my siblings or my parents that I lost my marriage due to practicing Falun Dafa, for I was worried they might have negative thoughts about Dafa. I was also afraid of letting anyone know I lived alone since I was worried it might not be safe.

The only practitioner I talked with (online) basically stopped our communication after he and his family moved to the U.S. He thought it would be better for my safety.

Believing in Dafa

Even though I did not have a deep understanding of Dafa, my strong belief in Dafa and Master helped me to have overcome one tribulation after another.

During the earlier time of my Dafa practice, I had karma elimination symptoms often. One symptom which repeated many times was that from time to time I suddenly felt my heart had difficulty beating. I would feel very weak and almost faint. I knew it was karma elimination. So each time when this happened if I was not home, I begged Master not to let me faint outside.

“If my karma is so big that I must lose consciousness, Master, please let me get home first.”

If I was home, I would say to Master, “Master, please wake me up if I lose consciousness.”

For a period of time, this symptom happened quite frequently. Each time, I was able to finish what I was doing and get home safely and then lie down. Master never let me lose consciousness.

Since there were many things about cultivation that I did not understand, I really wished I could talk to a practitioner. But I could not find anyone.

I was running an online store at that time. The sales were not good. I tried two jobs but neither lasted long.

I went to my mother’s home to look for a job in that area. My mother worried so much about my safety. She followed me everywhere I went and tried to stop me from talking to anyone. She kept advising me to stop practicing Falun Dafa, citing police on the street were arresting Dafa practitioners all the time.

As I was not able to practice peacefully at my mother’s place, I returned to my small house. In this area, I knew nobody. People in the area speak in their local dialect that I could not fully understand. I had a hard time communicating with people there, let alone clarify the truth to them.

Around the New Year of 2016, I was worried about how I was going to live. To make things worse, my sister called and asked me to give the online store I was managing to her. She wanted to use the store to sell furniture online.

But that online store was my only source of income, even if the business was not going very well. What should I do? My sister would not be happy if I refused her. I would not blame my sister since she did not know my situation. But if I transferred the store to her, how would I live?

That night, I was unable to sleep. Tossing over and over in bed, my tears kept rolling down my pillow.

Suddenly a thought came to me: I have a Master! Master would not let me starve! I decided to give the store to my sister. However, she never mentioned about wanting it again.

I Finally Found Other Practitioners!

Shortly after I gave up the hope that my family members or relatives might help me, miraculously, I found a Dafa practitioner in my area!

Before the Chinese New Year, I noticed couplets on several nearby houses that had words related to Falun Dafa. Since I had only read Dafa books on my computer or cell phone in the past five years, this was the first time I saw Dafa-related words displayed in public.

I was so excited! When no one was around, I ran up to a couplet and touched it gently. I was calling Master in my heart again and again.

I was not sure which of these families were Dafa practitioners. For several days I tried to find out.

One day, when I was riding my bike, I accidentally crashed into a bike that was in front of one of these houses, and the bell on that bike was damaged. I knocked on that door and apologized to the people inside, and I promised to bring them a new bell. They said it was all right and they did not need a new bell.

I bought a new bell and went to that house again. I knocked on the door. An elderly lady opened the door. I was afraid she would close the door, so I stepped forward and put one foot to block the door.

“Auntie,” I asked in a small voice, “I like your couplet very much. Where did you get it?” I had a quick peek into her house. I was hoping to see Master’s portrait on the wall or some Dafa-related items so I would know this is a practitioner’s house.

The elderly lady smiled at me. She opened the door wider and let me into the house.

She closed the door behind me. 

“Have you heard of Falun Dafa?” she asked gently.

I burst into tears. I have waited for this moment for FIVE years. Today, AT LAST!

I cried. I laughed. With tears and smiles on our faces, we chatted.

Soon, the practitioner introduced me to a local Fa-study group. We distributed truth-clarification materials together. We went to many places talking to people about the truth of Dafa and advising them to withdraw from the CCP.

“Predestined ties of countless lifetimesEach has Dafa as its guiding thread...” (“The Difficult Path to Godhood,” Hong Yin II)

Five years after I was introduced to Dafa, I was no longer alone. I finally joined Dafa practitioners!

I am so grateful for Master’s merciful salvation!