(Minghui.org) I was depressed for a long time after being released from a detention center. I couldn’t focus when I read the Falun Dafa teachings or did the exercises. I felt that my faith in Dafa had been badly shaken and that I had no righteous thoughts. I was moved by all kinds of attachments, such as to reputation, money, and emotion.
I felt no different than an ordinary person, and almost ruined myself due to lust. However, since I still had the wish to cultivate, Master helped me. I gradually woke up, realized what was happening, eliminated my attachments, and began to cultivate again.
When I started to again have righteous thoughts and faith in Dafa and began to understand some Fa principles, I once again experienced the amazing power of Dafa. Even though this lasted for a short time, I knew that Master was encouraging me.
I studied the Fa, meditated, and began memorizing the Fa. I had the deepest respect for Master and Dafa and developed a sincere wish to cultivate diligently. I was grateful for the opportunity to return to cultivation. I believed that nothing could move my heart and make me lazy again. However, I was wrong.
Interference and a Test
My diligent state of cultivation only lasted for a few days. Unfortunately, I became obsessed with watching television. I knew that it was not good, and I tried to remind myself that I should not watch, but I could not control my desire to watch TV.
My growing obsession gradually consumed my thoughts. Sometimes I sat up all night watching TV. One night I watched until 6:00 a.m. My head began to feel heavy and I was dizzy. I had no righteous thoughts, let alone the wish to do the exercises, study the Fa, or send forth righteous thoughts. I began having headaches, and some days my head hurt so badly that I could hardly stand up! I finally had to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I kept asking Master to help me and promised that I would stop watching TV, but I couldn't keep my promise.
I watched TV for several hours last night. I wondered how I could eliminate this attachment, and felt that I needed help. I looked on the Minghui website for articles about watching TV, carefully read them, and found them helpful.
One practitioner said that when he looked inward he found many attachments behind watching TV, such as being attached to feelings of satisfaction, curiosity, the pursuit of comfort, reputation, vanity, desire, jealousy, a competitive mentality, zealotry, lust, hatred, and many others.
I started to look at myself to see if I had those attachments. When I thought about the kinds of programs I watched, I realized that I also had those attachments. Every one of my attachments was moved by the plots I was watching. I felt that I was defending against injustice when I saw good people being mistreated. I hoped that corrupt officials would be exposed, bad people would receive retribution, loving couples would be together, and so on. These plots were all filled with reputation, money, sentiment, and the Chinese Communist Party’s culture of struggle and hatred. As I kept watching them, they kept passing on those messages and strengthening my attachments.
I now understand that watching television can interfere with our righteous thoughts and add many unnecessary challenges and difficulties to our cultivation.
After I identified my attachments, I wondered why I could not cultivate without worries like some practitioners. I realized it was because I still had unfulfilled wishes.
Identifying My Hidden Attachments
I had many hopes and dreams before I began practicing Falun Dafa. I wished to be rich, travel, wear pretty clothes, be praised and recognized for my achievements, eat as much delicious food as I wanted, yet have a nice figure. I wanted a loving husband and a well-behaved child. I longed for a perfect life.
However, my wishes became attachments that I needed to let go of when I started practicing Dafa. I realized that in my heart, I wasn’t willing to give up those wishes. I instead hoped to satisfy all those desires first, and then cultivate. Now I know why I couldn’t focus on cultivation.
Why can't we remain diligent in our cultivation? Although I understand this, I know that I have to put my realization into action, to truly cultivate.
Category: Improving Oneself
