(Minghui.org) I began practicing Falun Dafa with my parents when I was quite young. But I was never diligent. My parents had to push me to read the Fa and to do the exercises. I didn't see myself as a genuine practitioner until I went overseas a few years ago.
I am an extrovert. I enjoy interacting with people and always try to keep a positive attitude. I usually don't have many conflicts with others. I also don't do things in extreme ways. But my personality also has a downside: I cannot endure hardship; I don't have strong willpower; and I sometimes do not treat things seriously. Here I would like to talk about a lesson I learned due to my casual attitude towards cultivation.
Because the environment I grew up in was polluted, even though I was a practitioner, I had some dirty thoughts. Two major sources of pollution for me were computer games and pornography. These things had such a deep influence on me that I had to keep pushing them away after I moved overseas.
I fell down many times, and have done things that a cultivator should not do. Since I didn't read the Fa well, and my belief in Master was not solid enough, I kept making mistakes. Every time I made a mistake, I looked for excuses such as: “Xin is also a practitioner, but he has a girlfriend. Bing never comes out to do the three things; Liu Mie does not cultivate as well as I. None of them has ever run into any difficulty in cultivation.”
When the inappropriate thoughts rose up again, I just tried to suppress them. When I could not push them down, I comforted myself by saying: “I have already tried my best.” But then I indulged myself. Of course, I always felt guilty. I sent forth righteous thoughts, read the Fa, and talked to fellow practitioners. But deep in my heart, I didn't treat cultivation seriously.
The evil forces took advantage of the loophole in my cultivation. They created an illusion, which made me believe that a small mistake was not a big deal. I was deceived, and didn't realize that I was destroying myself. Since I didn't have any tribulations after I made mistakes, I started to slack off in cultivation.
First, I reduced the time I spent reading the Fa, then, I could not concentrate when I read. Next, I could not sit for 15 minutes to send forth righteous thoughts. I began developing a lot of everyday person's attachments. My thoughts became chaotic, and were filled with everyday people's nonsense. I began having a hard time breathing at night, and some nights, I could not even move my body.
Since I thought that other young practitioners, who didn't seem to be doing well in cultivation, had no tribulations, I didn't realize that my problems were caused by my attachments to computer games and pornography.
I didn't wake up until the day that the old evil forces tried to completely destroy me. After lunch that day, I had an urge to play video games. I struggled for a while, and then gave in. I comforted myself: “I've tried my best to suppress it,” then I played the game.
Nothing really happened while I played the games, but afterwards, I felt guilty. I sent forth righteous thoughts, and decided to read the Fa. However, I could not calm down. All the bad stuff that had accumulated in my mind began to attack me. The negative thoughts boiled up.
One of the bad thoughts said to me: “You cannot pass this tribulation. Your cultivation is over. Go back to being an everyday person, you will have a comfortable life. You will not have to suffer in cultivation.”
I felt almost overwhelmed with despair and nearly gave in. I tried so hard to get rid of the bad thoughts that I cried out.
After a while, the thought karma was gone. My mind became clear. I opened the Minghui.org website, and saw an article. The author said that Master endured two knife cuts on His back because of the author's mistake. I realized that Master had just endured the tribulation for me, a disciple who treats cultivation casually.
After I read this, I decided to write down my experiences. So far, my cultivation has been pretty smooth, and I haven't encountered many big tribulations. I've read stories in which fellow practitioners were badly persecuted, or even passed away, because they didn't treat cultivation seriously. However, I never applied what I read to myself and I didn't think that I would experience tribulations because of my problems.
This time, I came to a much deeper understanding of the danger that a casual attitude towards cultivation might bring to me. If it wasn't for Master's benevolence, who didn't want to see me destroyed by the old forces and endured the tribulations for me, I would not have passed this test because of my strong thought karma.
Everyone has his or her own cultivation path. It is dangerous to take others' paths as models. The old forces will take advantage of this loophole. I hope that those who have similar problems will learn from my lesson, and solidly cultivate.
Please correct me if I've said anything wrong.
Category: Improving Oneself
