My Awakening

(Minghui.org) I am so grateful to be a Falun Dafa practitioner during the Fa-rectification period. However, I experienced a low point in my cultivation after the 2016 New York Fa Conference. I have an attachment of pursuit, which is the manifestation of my not trusting Master and Dafa.

Awakened by a “Stick Warning”

I have been studying music ever since I was young. Master gave me the skill so that I can use it to validate the Fa and save people. Perhaps it was in my prehistoric vow.

I submitted a video recording of my song to Shen Yun in May 2016 and hoped to hear back from them before the New York Fa Conference. But it didn’t happen. I was getting a bit antsy. I told myself to be patient, but my heart was still anxiously waiting.

Master said:

“It's like with Shen Yun Performing Arts. We want to hire someone with superb skills, but he does not cultivate. Even if we manage to get him over here, he would leave with all kinds of excuses. Some people do not cultivate and want to stay, but Gods will make him leave. The old forces also do not allow him to stay here, because they feel he is not worthy to be here. ” (“Fa Teaching at the 2016 New York Fa Conference”)

This felt like a stick warning, that Master was telling me that I had not cultivated to that level.

My mood was at its lowest point. I said in my heart, “Master, I think that I have done my best. I have sprinted as fast as I could. Why haven’t I reached the required standard?”

I immediately realized that I was wrong. “Isn’t this an attachment of pursuit? I did my best so that I could get into Shen Yun. Isn’t that seeking fame? Where does this notion come from?”

At about the same time, I experienced problems with my daughter. I brought her with me to the United States two years ago when she was four.

I began to guide her to study the Fa, but she continued to get drowsy whenever we sat down to read Zhuan Falun, and I continued to lose my temper with her.

I read slowly and painstakingly, word by word, sentence by sentence. We were coming up to the sixth lecture when all of a sudden, my daughter couldn't even recognize simple words.

I was deeply agitated!

It was also about the same time that I received two phone calls from her teacher commenting on her not following the school rules and other inappropriate behavior.

I realized that the problem stemmed from me. I needed to look inward to see where I had gone wrong. I knew that the only way for my daughter to improve was by rectifying myself.

With extreme patience I started from the beginning of the book again. She would learn one word well one minute, then forget it the next.

I was all out of ideas, and pleaded with Master, “What am I to do? I've tried so hard but she just fails to learn. How do I teach her? How do I cultivate to improve my xinxing?”

Master used my daughter's words to give me a hint. One time, when we were sending forth righteous thought, my daughter said, “Mom, the old forces will not let me learn the words. They cover them so I can't see.”

I sent forth a strong righteous thought to eliminate the evil elements that were trying to prevent my daughter from studying the Fa. But I did it with human notions, so there wasn't much improvement.

It took us an hour to read three lines. I would point to the word and hold my palm upright to send forth righteous thought with the other hand. If my daughter took 10 minutes to master one word, I would send forth righteous thought until she got it.

Master’s stick warning and my daughter’s predicament forced me to look deep inside. I let go of my “self” to quietly observe what was causing my daughter’s problem, and became fully aware that my problems were the root cause of her problems.

Master’s Graceful Help

I set aside my media work to concentrate on helping my daughter. However, I felt a little unbalanced at first.

In my sales team, as a new sales associate, my sales record has consistently ranked first or in the top three. It is my personality to strive to be the best, but I was able to set aside my ambitious character and attachment to fame and personal benefit to successfully cooperate with the others at work. But, I found it very difficult to do the same when it came to my daughter.

I thought back on how she had come to the United States when she was only four, but had been basically neglected by me. I felt the need to concentrate on my media sales job and would make her enough food for the entire week and leave it in the refrigerator so that she could help herself when she was hungry. When she complained that the food didn’t taste nice, I would use Master’s Fa to chastise her.

“Eating, but caring not to taste—The palate’s attachments severed. (“Abiding in the Dao” in Hong Yin)

I never asked her how she was doing in school, nor did I care enough to find out. So to put my “self” aside to concentrate on her needs proved to be very difficult.

I wanted to be out doing things, and didn’t want to be looking after a child. Being at home with my daughter, I felt like a tigress confined in a cage. I tried my best to suppress this feeling, knowing it’s wrong. I wept in front of Master’s photo and came to understand that everything is arranged by Master and I must pass this test.

It was the old forces that were dragging me down. I would not allow it. I must work on validating Dafa and saving people with a young Dafa practitioner by my side.

I started to study the Fa with my daughter in the mornings, and would take her to a tourist site to do the exercises and talk to people about Dafa and the persecution in the afternoon. We would then study the Fa some more at night.

Whenever we have a spare moment, I take her out to enjoy a little relaxing play-time.

One time, she was again experiencing difficulty remembering simple words. My frustration was beginning to rear its ugly head. I tried my best to suppress it, but a voice sounded in my ears, “Hit her!” A strong urge prompted me to use violence. I told myself, “That voice is not mine. That urge is not mine.”

All of a sudden, I felt something sinister depart from my body, leaving me feeling relaxed and calm.

When I was able to deny the old forces, Master was able to help me get rid of the bad substance.

With Master’s support and encouragement, my daughter is making great strides. In two months, she has studied 40 pages of Zhuan Falun and can read an entire page without much prompting or corrections. She also recites verses from Hong Yin every day.

Finding the Root Cause of My Problems

Spending time with my daughter, forced me to slow down and calm down. As a result, I was able to uncover my strong attachment to being impatient and, with Master’s help, succeeded in getting rid of many other factors controlling me all these years.

When I came to the U.S. two years ago, a lot of trials and tribulations had already been planted for me to overcome. I was alone in this new country, without much in the way of economic means to support myself and my young child, but I was determined to make something of it, and placed my trust in Master.

I made sure that I read three lectures of Zhuan Falun and go out to the tourist site to let people know about Dafa every day. I was constantly in tears as I studied the Fa.

I promised Master that I would cultivate well and elevate my xinxing no matter what difficulties I have to face and overcome.

I eventually joined the media sales team and became a full-time sales associate.

Every day, I get up after 2 a.m. and throw myself into all kinds of Dafa projects, with my sales job taking the majority of my time and energy.

I try my best not to be work-driven and always remind myself of my mission to save sentient beings. So, knowing that the tourist site needs people, I use my lunch time to help out.

I used to be a conductor in my high school band, so when I heard that our local Tian Guo Marching Band was in need of a second conductor, I felt duty-bound to participate. In so doing, I had to give up my only spare time on Sunday afternoons.

After the 2015 New York Fa Conference, I took on one more task in my already filled life – to practice singing.

It was only then that I found my deep rooted attachments. When I received recognition for my sales performance, my attachments to zealotry, showing off, combativeness, sense of defiance, and the need to prove myself all came to the surface.

They became so strong that even though I continued to study the Fa, I was not cultivating solidly. I was merely going through the motions. Therefore, the Fa was not really entering my heart.

I have always been lacking in calmness and patience. The old forces took no time to take advantage of my gaps, and made sure that these deficiencies got bloated and magnified.

From impatience, I became anxious, fretful and irritable, which all manifested in my work of saving people. I found it hard to juggle my time.

Aside from my work, if I spent time helping my daughter to study the Fa, I would have no time to practice singing. If I spent the time practicing singing, my daughter’s Fa study would be compromised. If I did both, then there would be no time to cook, eat, and do household chores. If I did all of the above, I would have insufficient time to concentrate on studying the Fa.

Gradually, I began to blame it all on my daughter, believing that she was the cause of all my problems. If she were not here, I would have been able to manage everything better. I blamed my daughter and resented her. I felt distraught that she was taking up my precious time.

My mental state was worsening my daughter’s progress in cultivation. Why had I let the old forces take over my thoughts of anxiety and impatience?

I kept looking inward and uncovered my attachment to fear; the fear of facing difficulties. I believed that being able to do everything well was simply impossible.

When I felt this way, I was acknowledging the old forces' arrangement. I gave it power, and, in effect, let that feeling become my attachment.

I remember that when I first obtained the Fa, I had do everything at home on my own. My husband was deployed to another town, so I would take my daughter to nursery school and pick her up in the afternoon. I took care of all her physical needs while still working. I made and distributed Dafa informational materials, went out to talk to people about Dafa, study the Fa and do the exercises. I managed everything with lightness in my heart.

My neighbors thought that I was amazing, as they were used to having four or five people taking care of one child.

I told them that it was all because my Master of Falun Dafa gave me the ability. That is why, what most people would find difficult to do, I, as a Falun Dafa practitioner, find easy.

So why was I finding things hard to manage now?

I looked inward and realized that behind my attachment to acknowledging the impossibility of handling all things well, there is the attachment of pursuit.

When things were going well, the attachment of zealotry would arise, especially in believing that I had mastered the required skill of singing to get into Shen Yun.

The old forces took advantage of my attachment of pursuit, and made everything that I face become more and more difficult to handle. I also found a deep rooted attachment to fear of not doing well.

I was afraid that I would not do well in balancing everything, that I could not reach Dafa’s requirement, and that, with my current comparatively relaxed environment, I would not be able to do as well as when I first obtained the Fa.

The old forces tried to entice me to seek the one goal that I desperately wished to reach – to get into Shen Yun. As a result, everything became more and more difficult to deal with.

My trust in Master and Dafa had been shaken, so, after realizing this, Master used my daughter to give me encouragement when we were sending forth righteous thoughts.

My daughter said to me happily, “Mom, I saw Master. Master was smiling at you!”

I calmed down, but my tears were flowing freely.

Master said:

“No matter what, no matter how hard it is, you are definitely able to come through on the path given to you by Master. (Applause) As long as you raise your xinxing you can make it through.” (“Teaching and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference” from Teaching the Fa at the Conference III)

Master also said:

“As long as you practice cultivation and are sure-footed and determined in practicing cultivation, we will treat you as disciples.” (Zhuan Falun)

When I place complete trust in Master and Dafa, what difficulty can I not overcome?Everything is under Master’s arrangement.

The month that I stayed at home with my daughter, I actually attained a sales record. This was further encouragement from Master.

Doing sales, caring for my daughter, working on my singing, clarifying the facts, practicing with the Tian Guo Marching Band and performing household chores are all part and parcel of my cultivation. As long as I remain sure-footed, Master will take care of everything.

I became totally relaxed, and I am no longer affected by troubling things. I work hard on my sales job with renewed dedication; I practice singing, but without pursuit; I help my daughter study the Fa and do the exercises; I talk to her about her school life with genuine care and interest; I go to the exercise site whenever I can during weekdays, but definitely on weekends; I practice with the Tian Guo Marching Band and attend to all the mundane household chores without complaint.

I am determined to start by being a good mother. If I can’t be a good mother, how can I be a good person? If I can’t be a good person, how can I assimilate into the Fa’s principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance? Then, how can I talk about fulfilling my prehistoric vow and saving people?

I realize that everything I do or I am faced with is for the sake of saving people.

Master said:

“Clarifying the facts and saving sentient beings are what you need to accomplish. There is nothing else for you to accomplish. There is nothing else in this world that you need to accomplish.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2015 New York Fa Conference”)

I thank Master for everything he has given me, and I will do what I can to fulfill my vow and save sentient beings.