(Clearwisdom.net)
Stepping Out of the Shadow of "Transformation"
My grandmother, who was one of my closest relatives, suffered severe back pain for most of her life. The pain was so severe that she could not leave her small and dark bedroom for over ten years. She cried out and groaned every day. Even as a medical student, I could not help her and could only stand by and watch. When I was in my twenties, I also began to suffer back pain. The symptoms were very similar to my grandmother's when my back seized up. My parents were very worried when they saw me all bent over from back pain. I went to see many doctors, but none could diagnose the problem. According to the physical tests, everything seemed to be normal and no medication helped. I started practicing Falun Gong in 1996, and all of my ailments disappeared immediately.
In 1999, there was a Falun Dafa experience sharing conference among practitioners from Zhejiang Province in Hangzhou City. I shared my experience with others, and the effect was very good. My article was compiled in an experience sharing book by Dafa disciples at Zhejiang University. More people then heard about my experience and started practicing. I had not however realized a serious problem in my cultivation: I could not calm down and focus on Fa study, even though I spent a lot of time studying the Fa. I was attached to zealotry and doing things, and later, I went astray.
The persecution started in July 1999. I was a target of the persecution in Zhejiang Province and considered as a "typical case" because I had twice been to Beijing to appeal for the right to practice Falun Gong and also because of my experience sharing paper. At that time, I was a PhD candidate. Every week, many people from all kinds of organizations came to me and talked to me. Also I was required to attend all kinds of so-called "help and education meetings," but they were more like "criticizing and denouncing meetings." I was arrested and detained several times. The last time, I was taken by ten officers from our security department and Hangzhou City, including our university's Chinese Communist Party (CCP) secretary, and sent to a brainwashing center in 2001. I was tortured and I thought I was going to die. I could not endure it any longer. My heart could not beat any longer under such pressure. I gave up. At first, I simply could not stand the torture. When the old forces noticed, after I had committed an act that a practitioner should never commit, I did not believe in Dafa any longer because my xinxing level had dropped. I gave up practicing in 2002.
I was still looking for the truth. But I wanted to find the truth in a free land. Finally, I had a chance to come to the United States as a postdoctoral fellow in 2004. I attended the Fa conference in New York in 2004. On the first day, when I saw the parade of Falun Gong practitioners, dignified Dafa disciples bearing the banner "Falun Dafa is Good," and the big book Zhuan Falun in the parade, I could not hold back my tears. In China, I suffered simply because I wanted to read this book, and Falun Gong practitioners were attacked, slandered, and considered monsters due to the CCP's propaganda. The second day, I saw Master. Inside, it seemed that there were two people fighting. One was a person seething with hatred, the other revered the Fa. I heard Master say that some practitioners were in a very bad state.
After I returned from the conference, I still went to church because there were some warm-hearted Christians at our campus. The more I heard at the church, the more I thought that Falun Gong was what I was looking for. I didn't feel comfortable when I saw some speakers in the church show strong attachments to profit. I was so surprised that these Chinese Christians felt so good. I think that all that is said in the Bible is included in Zhuan Falun. I did not want to waste any more time. The next day, I called the coordinator in our city and told him that I wanted a copy of Zhuan Falun.
He came over the next evening and we talked for a little while. I tried to remember what happened during the process of "transformation," but I found that I had a severe headache. "I cannot say anything," I repeated over and over. It lasted for over 10 minutes. I just said, " I cannot say anything." Afterwards, he left. I slept very well after Zhuan Falun had been in my home. I had suffered from insomnia after I stopped practicing Falun Gong. However, I had a severe headache that night. Since there were some bad substances in my body remaining from the brainwashing class, I did not do the exercises at that time. Finally, one winter day, I experienced back pain after I was in extreme cold. I realized that I could not do anything but practice Falun Gong. I knew based on my previous experiences that once the back pain attacked me, I would not be able to take care of myself. It was a problem of how I could survive. The first idea that occurred to me was to recite Master's Fa-rectification formulas: "Fa Zheng Qian Kun, Xie E Quan Mie." I felt better after reciting it several times. Then, I began to do the first exercise. I suddenly felt relaxed when I did the "stretch and relax." Although I still felt the pain, I was sure I would be alright soon.
After that, I felt so happy. Immediately, I called my parents and told them about it. They were scared about my decision. However, I was no longer afraid. I felt so energetic. I got up in the morning at 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. and did the exercises again and again. No one would be outside my door watching me. No one would report what I was doing. I felt that there was no darkness in America, even at night. I felt that the air in America was so clean. I especially enjoyed the group exercises. That was what I had been waiting for for so long. When I lived in China, one day after the persecution started, I went out to do exercises. Someone reported it, and I was threatened. Some practitioners were arrested simply because they went out to do the exercises. There was no peace after that, and their families were broken up by the persecution.
I saw many fellow practitioners in America who were so busy with truth clarification, but I could not do anything to help. I was very anxious because I could not drive at that time. I saw that The Epoch Times newspaper lacked money. Advertising representatives were severely needed, and I was very interested in advertising. However, I felt so frustrated after I talked to several potential clients. One of the reasons for my lack of success in selling ads was that I was not open and promising. The clients were definitely affected by my attitude.
I was sad. Others all had their truth-clarification projects, but I could not do anything. I asked myself, what should I do? At that time, the practitioner who contacted me first when I arrived in America asked me whether I wanted to do some translation work. "Me? Can I do that? My English is limited," I asked. "Yes, you can," he encouraged me.
Soon the Clearwisdom translation team coordinator contacted me. I was trained for a long period of time. I enjoyed talking to those who worked on Clearwisdom. I saw that they considered everything from the Fa, with a very good attitude. However, because there still were toxic materials in my body from the brainwashing class, I always made a lot of mistakes because my righteous thoughts were not strong enough, even though I did all the translation work and worked hard. When I was translating persecution facts, I felt especially sad. I could not work efficiently even though I worked late, until 1:00 a.m. at night.
Several months passed after I started my translation work, and I came to understand the Fa better and became more confident. I dared to clarify the truth in depth. There was a breakthrough in my work as a volunteer for advertising sales with The Epoch Times. I had my first client. The same week, three clients signed contracts with us. This was the first month that the balance was not negative. When I recall this, I realize that everything was arranged by Master, and it encourages me to do better.
Believe in Master and Believe in the Fa - A Bad Thing Could Be a Good Thing
On the path of cultivation, there are some tribulations. Especially for me, a person who was lost with a lot of attachments, I met with trouble when I did things with attachments. However, if I look inside and notice what's wrong during these troubles, I can make good use of the opportunity to save human beings more effectively.
During the period when there was a New Year Spectacular in our area, I wanted to contact potential sponsors. It was New Year's Day. It was raining, and I was not familiar with the directions. When the car made a turn, I suddenly noticed that my car was going out of control. It immediately went for a sidewall. I cried, "Master!" in my heart. The car hit the wall, bounced back, hit it again, and then stopped. It was wrecked, but I was fine. My DVD player no longer worked, and it was impossible for me to visit the stores that I had planned to go to the night before.
I repeated in my heart again and again,
"Whatever you experience during your cultivation--whether good or bad--is good, for it comes about only because you are cultivating."("To the Chicago Fa Conference")
Although I could not contact those potential sponsors, I wanted to turn the bad thing into a good thing.
Later, a police vehicle left me at a place to wait for my husband to pick me up. I stood in front of the door of a store and distributed fliers about our gala. The people who passed by accepted the fliers happily. How could they imagine I was a person who just was in a car accident? This is the power of the Fa.
My car was totaled, and I received compensation money from my insurance company. I realized that I would buy another car, and I could turn the bad thing into a good thing. I would find predestined sentient beings by looking for a car. Soon, my husband was interested in a Japanese car, and later I contacted the manager to discuss advertising. The manager knew I was his customer who bought one of his most expensive cars. In addition, they were very interested in the communities my husband and I work around. Soon, he signed a contract for an entire year. According to the contract, the cost of the dealer's advertisement could pay all of the print fees of our newspaper in our area. Therefore, we could more effectively save people in our area. The owner of the auto dealership also placed himself in a good position. This was the first American client in our area. The business image of The Epoch Times improved in our area as well.
When I contacted clients, I felt like I was begging for alms. Sometimes I was subjected to humiliation, lost with the attachment to profit with a big contract, or lost in emotion, and I would forget my mission. I was interfered with by the evil when I had any bad thoughts. After I returned home, I felt good when I could finally finish the advertising work and calm down to do translation work for Clearwisdom. This way, I could cleanse myself and let go of any bad thoughts.
Arranging Multiple Simultaneous Projects Well
Once the market improved, more newspapers could be printed and be distributed to more places. Otherwise, the client would complain that the advertisement's effect was not good enough. However, the manpower was limited in our area. I am a backup for our distribution group. Where more copies are needed, I go there and add more. Where there is a new Asian store, I put our newspaper there.
Time is so limited. I am a full-time working mother with a three-year-old daughter, who just arrived in America. I still need time to acclimate myself to the new surroundings as well as other issues including my visa, immigration status, job, and language skills. Sometimes, I feel so frustrated when I have to do more than one project at the same time.
I complained to our coordinators, and I discussed it with a fellow practitioner in our translation group. She said, "Even if you had ten projects, you should still do everything well."
Stability and the Pursuit of Comfort
We are Fa-rectification period Dafa disciples. Since the persecution started, every obstacle that impedes us from doing the three things comes from the old forces, and should not be permitted. A Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple, with strong righteous thoughts, should not be interfered with by troubles in human society. However, we should be very wary of the pursuit of comfort.
Since I started doing the translation work, my English has improved a lot. A fellow practitioner told me that Chinese practitioners benefited a lot from doing this work, and it has improved their English.
I bought a house within three years. I don't need to worry about my job, in comparison to other people who came here at the same time as me. When I started translating for Clearwisdom, my time was so limited. I could not work like other postdoctoral fellows early in the day and late at night. Nevertheless, I soon published a paper in a well-known journal, and I found a good job. It is so difficult for many fellow practitioners going through the same things I am going through. Only a few fellow practitioners could find such a rare position. I know this was the power of the Fa. If we always have strong righteous thoughts, the old forces cannot interfere with us and prevent us from doing the three things.
At the same time, I had the pursuit of comfort. I think that a person like myself, who was tortured in China and finally came abroad, shouldn't have such pursuit. How can we waste our time while other fellow practitioners are being tortured? Many were forced to leave their homes even when their wives were pregnant. How can we waste times enjoying vacations while our fellow practitioners have been separated and their families are broken apart?
I personally do not like celebrating any holidays. I know that freedom is the most important thing, and it is a luxury to celebrate any holidays during this period. Practitioners' time is very limited, and it is not right for practitioners to enjoy life as ordinary human beings.
However, the longer I stayed in the U.S., the more I developed the pursuit of comfort. One day, when I saw the backyard of my house and my happy daughter, I forgot my mission for a moment. At that time, I suddenly thought, "It is a pretty good life for an ordinary person." A few days later, I suffered from severe back pain. This time, I enlightened suddenly. I was a person who suffered from all kinds of diseases and pain. It was Master who rescued me from the morass. During this period, I neglected doing the exercises and studying the Fa. I felt rather comfortable when I was almost lost in the mire. Incorrect thoughts are very dangerous. For practitioners, when we meet with tribulations or tests, we should bear in mind Master's words,
"Calmly reflect on how many attachments you have
As you get rid of human mentality, evil is naturally defeated"
("Don't Be Sad" from Hongyin II)
Especially for people like myself, who went astray, we should look inside based on the Fa. My daughter also reminds me, "Don't waste time. Let's study the Fa."
I still remember in the 1999 Fa experience sharing conference, most of the sharing articles ended with the sentence, "From now on, I will cultivate diligently until I achieve consummation." Some of these practitioners left the path of cultivation after the persecution started, for various reasons. I still hope I can talk to them and share my experience with them. This is also the reason why I work for Clearwisdom. I will try my best to help them come back and not let the beings in their worlds wait in vain with disappointment.
