(Clearwisdom.net) Looking back at my nine years of cultivation, I have learned and experienced a lot. The most difficult and touching experience happened in recent years after my son came to Sweden from China. I would like to share here some of my experiences and lessons learned, as a starting point for my future cultivation.
My son was only 13 years old when I left China in 2001. He was nice, smart and loved me a lot. When we met each other in Sweden four years later, I was shocked to discover he had become selfish and brainwashed by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) culture. He looked at me in a cold way. I knew he had many misunderstandings about Falun Gong, and he hated me for leaving him alone all these years. I understood he felt hurt when I left him, he wanted to be with me, his mother, and he did not want his mother to be someone who does not care about her husband and son, as the Communist regime's media in China has accused Falun Gong.
My cultivation now faced a new and difficult phase. I knew it took my son great efforts to get his father's signature to come live with me; perhaps this happened because his true nice nature wished to be rescued, and because of our predestined relationship. At first he was against Dafa and refused to listen to the truth. Afraid his friends in China might see it via video chat, he removed Master's portrait from the wall and the lotus window decoration in my room. At that time we lived with another practitioner. I had to share the room with my 17-year-old son before I could find a place of our own. I did not worry at all. I believed it must be part of my cultivation now that Master arranged my son to come to me. I believed the result would be good as long as I kept my righteous thoughts. I knew cultivating myself well and saving people are the most important for me.
I continued to practice the exercises and study the Fa as normal, in addition to doing much work for a Dafa website and staying up very late every night. After a while, my son could not get used to the new environment at all. He complained about not having his own room; the food was not good, and there was no fun at all. It was very difficult for us to communicate. One time I scolded him, and he left home for a whole night. It was a very cold night. I was in tears and looked inward according to the Fa, realizing my impatience had hurt him one more time.
I am very grateful that the fellow practitioner was staying with me during that period. She helped my son greatly, with a cultivator's selflessness. To provide us better living conditions, we managed to move to a bigger place. At that time, our group Fa study was at our place; it was not accidental for my son to have the opportunity to meet so many Westerner practitioners. Three months later, my son learned a lot about cultivators and wanted to learn more about Dafa. Once in his writing he called the practitioner living with us "an unforgettable friend." To clarify the truth to him, fellow practitioners contacted a young practitioner named Liu Xiaotian in Denmark to chat with my son over the Internet. Xiaotian spent two nights telling my son his story, and how his parents died as a result of the persecution. Two other young practitioners also worked with Xiaotian to clarify the truth; gradually their righteous efforts eliminated the evil forces behind my son.
This process was such a difficult cultivation experience for me. It exposed many of my attachments and cost me many tears as the attachments were being eliminated. One day when my son was flipping through a Falun Gong pamphlet he said in tears, "You (Dafa practitioners) are so good. I feel bad that I could not help you much. I am healthy, and I could donate my blood for you." He withdrew from the CCP organizations with his real name on the Internet. A life was finally safe.
After living with the fellow practitioner for 100 days, I got my own place. Looking back at my experiences during those 100 days I deeply felt Master's compassionate protection and the selfless help from fellow practitioners. I truly understand the meaning "fellow practitioner" through my experience of applying for refugee status and rescuing my son.
In July 2006, my husband requested to come to Sweden to visit me. This was a great opportunity to rescue him. Yet I had complicated feelings about it. Though we had been married for many years we had chosen two different paths; one of a cultivator and the other a CCP follower for personal benefits. It is not difficult to imagine how a single, rich CCP official would live in a society with low ethical standards like China. We had lived apart for more than five years. I could not make up my mind how to deal with him when I would see him again. On one hand I wanted to clarify the truth and rescue him; yet, my selfish side worried that I should not let his dirty body taint me and lower my level even if I might not be able to save him. How could I rescue anyone with such a selfish attachment? As a result, no matter how hard I tried, I argued with him with an attachment of winning. I explained things to him with the attachment of achieving a result. When he refused to watch the truth-clarifying DVD and read the Epoch Times newspaper, I completely gave up rescuing him. I stopped working for the Dafa web page then for security reasons, and our family went to the coast of Norway for vacation. During that time, I did not study the Fa, send forth righteous thoughts or practice the exercises; my human notions emerged. My husband was very disappointed that he did not feel any family warmth after coming to Sweden. He went back to China earlier than planned, after two weeks. He even took away my personal savings in China worth 40,000 yuan. I was emotionally upset for having lost personal affection and benefits.
After my husband left, I felt very bad. It might have taken him a thousand years of predestined relationships for such an opportunity to be rescued, yet I refused him because of my ego. If I did not have righteous thoughts, no matter how hard I tried to eliminate my attachments, they kept emerging. Everything Master has arranged serves the purpose for us to go back to our real home; nothing is accidental. Before the Chinese New Year my husband called me, telling me that my father-in-law was in critical condition and wanted to see his grandson as soon as possible. My husband knew I had financial difficulties, yet he did not offer any help for my son's travel expenses. I understood this was another opportunity Master arranged for me. I booked a plane ticket for my son right away and bought presents for family members. I knew the Fa helped me let go of my attachment to personal feelings and financial benefits; instead, I felt compassion and forgiveness for them. When my son returned, I accidentally found that he brought me a suitcase full of all kinds of presents from my husband and his family.
When clarifying the truth, I often felt it difficult to communicate with Chinese businessmen in Sweden, having the perception that they were not willing to deal with Falun Gong practitioners, because all they cared about was making money, and they had business with China. I thought the nearby Chinese supermarket agreed to distribute the Epoch Times only to provide an additional service to their customers. Though I delivered the newspaper to the supermarket for years, I did not do a good job clarifying the truth there. When I recognized this problem, I sent forth righteous thoughts for a while and showed them the truth-clarifying DVD, and also talked to the store owner about the CCP's organ harvesting from living Falun Gong practitioners and the withdrawals from the CCP. To my surprise, they were very righteous. The boss and all the employees withdrew from the CCP quickly. I realized their true beings were waiting to be rescued. Later the boss talked to me, telling me they all trusted me and asked if I would like to work there. This incident shocked me and broke through many of my human notions. Deep in my heart it was still a problem of whether I had true faith in Dafa, whether I truly felt the urgency of rescuing people. Compared to rescuing people, why did I worry about my ego at all? In this period of Fa-rectification many people can accept the truth; it was my own attachments and human notions stopping me from rescuing people. Many people will lose the opportunity for salvation if we don't have the sense of urgency.
Not too long ago a friend had a dream about me, describing it in detail. In her dream I was standing in front of a burning building. My home was in that building, yet I was watching the fire, not doing anything. In the dream she asked me, "Since your home is on fire, how come you do not go fight the fire?" I answered that the fire would burn for a while; there was no hurry. I realized this was Master reminding me to rescue my family members. They are in great danger. I knew this meant my parents. My mother was a Catholic since she was little. She refused to learn anything other than her religion; my father is a medical professor and an atheist. I talked to them many times about Dafa; they refused to discuss it with me. This is a barrier I need to break through. Though there are many things I need to improve on, every day is an opportunity as long as the Fa-rectification is not over.
May 4, 2007
