(Clearwisdom.net) I am a Falun Dafa practitioner. I made mistakes and wandered away from the Fa for a long time during my cultivation. Here I'd like to share my experiences. I hope it helps those fellow practitioners who are in similar situations and haven't stepped forward.
1. The Serious Mistake I Made
Around 1995, I saw the book China Falun Gong at a bookstore. I thought it was very good and I felt it was something that I had been looking for for a long time. I felt that it was so pure. At that time, I had the attachment of avoiding reality. With this attachment, I started to practice Falun Gong. Before the persecution started in 1999, I had been studying the Fa and practicing the exercises at home by myself. I read Zhuan Falun many times, but unfortunately I did this with everyday people's notions. I didn't study the Fa with a pure heart. Therefore, I didn't have a deep understanding on the Fa and I didn't understand the Fa from the Fa.
Jiang and his followers started persecuting Falun Gong on July 20, 1999. I hadn't studied the Fa well and had many attachments and notions. In addition, I had been persecuted in previous political movements. I was terrified. In order not to be persecuted again, I said things that were against my conscience at meetings and during interviews with the Chinese Communist Party's TV station, which negatively impacted our local area's validating the Fa and saving sentient beings. This is an unforgivable crime that I committed against Teacher and the Fa.
After that, I kept thinking about what had happened. I was following the principles of Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance, however I was being persecuted for simply practicing these principles. How could this be? I was confused, sad and angry. I didn't want to live in this world any longer. However, I knew I should not give up, so I went on living a passive life and wanted to die early. I wasted four or five years that I could have used to save sentient beings. I did have one thought, which was to continue cultivating Falun Dafa in my next life.
2. Teacher Saved Me
I stopped studying the Fa and practicing the Falun Dafa exercises for a long time. I started to have illness symptoms again. The most serious one was a prostate enlargement that pressed against my urinary track. I needed use the bathroom every five minutes and yet I could only urinate a few drops. It hurt so much that tears would fill my eyes every time I used the bathroom. I had to take a lot of medicine to control the symptoms and I suffered a lot.
Teacher is so compassionate for not giving up on me. This was probably because I had that one thought that I wanted to continue to cultivate. With Teacher's arrangements, a fellow practitioner came to my home on April 1, 2004. He helped me and encouraged me to return to the Fa. I immediately said I would start to study the Fa and practice the exercises right away.
About two weeks after I started practicing again, I had a dream. I saw a Buddha. He pointed at me and a white fox ran away from my body. Then dark things as small as needle points came out of all my pores. I woke up and I knew Teacher was cleaning my body and taking care of me again. I couldn't find any words to describe my feelings. Tears ran down my cheeks.
On June 12, 2004, when I was practicing the first exercise, my prostate started to hurt. The pain became worse and worse until I couldn't even finish the fourth exercise. By then, I found that my left testicle was swollen to the size of an egg. I couldn't stand and I had to lie down.
My family members soon learned what happened. They urged me to go to the hospital. I said, "No, I won't, it's nothing." I continued listening to Teacher's Fa lectures. My symptoms became worse on the third day and there was blood in my urine. My family insisted on taking me to the hospital. I said, "I know my own body, it's OK." I told myself I must believe in Teacher and the Fa. "It's hard to endure, but you can endure it. It's hard to do, but you can do it." (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun) I need to persist and I simply cannot do any more things that would let down Teacher and the Fa. I would simply accept Teacher's arrangements for me.
With that thought, my urine became more and more clear by the fifth day. On the sixth day, I was able to stand again. On the eighth day, I was able to practice the exercises. On the twelfth day, I was able to practice the meditation exercise. Everything went back to normal. My family witnessed this and acknowledged how magnificent Falun Dafa is. I don't know how much effort Teacher had to expend in order to save me. I can never repay Teacher.
3. My Understandings
Last year, a fellow practitioner said to me, "You should write about your experience." Since I had once wandered away from the Fa I felt ashamed of myself for not being a good practitioner. Therefore, I wasn't willing to share my experience since I only thought about myself and I wasn't being responsible to the Fa.
One night I had a dream. In the dream, I saw an extremely wide river. Teacher was across the river with many fellow practitioners. In the river, many practitioners were striving forward while I was standing on the bank with two big suitcases, not knowing what to do. Teacher seemed to know my heart and therefore asked a fellow practitioner to come pick me up. That fellow practitioner soon arrived and asked me to come on board. I said, "This is such a small boat. How will it be able to carry my two large suitcases?" Then I heard Teacher saying into my ear, "Drop those two large suitcases." Immediately, I put them down and jumped into the boat. The boat went towards the other side like a flying arrow. Soon I was across the river and fellow practitioners all clapped to welcome me.
I came to realize that it was a hint from Teacher that I should get rid of my attachments and strive forward diligently. Upon studying the Fa more, I realized that I wouldn't be able to improve without eliminating my attachments. It is a cultivation process to write about our experiences and understandings since we have to look inside to remove attachments and notions. Our experiences could be helpful to other fellow practitioners.
From writing this paper, I had the following understandings:
- It is very important to study the Fa. We could make mistakes and take a wrong path if we are not clear on the Fa principles.
- Our compassionate Teacher is right next to us. Teacher is protecting us, helping us improve and guiding us forward. Teacher spends a tremendous amount of effort in helping us. As Falun Dafa disciples, we must follow Teacher's requirements to do well the three things and walk our paths righteously. This will reduce Teacher's workload and Teacher will be glad to see this.
- Falun Dafa is supernatural. It is the true science. I can validate this with my personal experience.
I hope my paper is helpful to those fellow practitioners who haven't been able to step forward and who have lagged behind Fa-rectification like I did. I want to tell you, Teacher hasn't given up on you. Teacher is waiting for you on the Fa-rectification path. However, there isn't much time left.
