(Clearwisdom.net) I discovered strong, stubborn attachments during Falun Gong practice--I was attached to consummation and attached to raising my level. Therefore, I was unable to correctly position myself in relation to Dafa and to all living beings. I was always trapped in personal cultivation. Dafa principles had taught me that Dafa must be placed first, that offering salvation to all sentient beings comes before personal cultivation, and that selflessness is the natural characteristic of all entities of the new universe. However, when it came down to my actual conduct, I found that I had a very strong ego.

When explaining the facts about Falun Gong to others, I unknowingly put myself in the primary position. When I did the three things, I subconsciously assumed I did them to raise my level. Although I could sense the existence of these thoughts when they occurred, I failed to free myself from the control of selfishness. Furthermore, not until today was I able to correct my cultivation environment in my home. I knew that happened because of my ego, because of fear and my attachment to comfort, but I had failed to move forward to discard these habits. I felt something was blocking me, and I could not find what it was. Today, when I was studying the Fa, I suddenly woke up. I found the deeply hidden notion that was so difficult detect. I came to understand once more the importance of learning the Fa.

I had developed a set of tactics for dealing with others and doing things that gave me maximum self-protection. They included: not striving for personal gain when something happened, not seeking anything from others, a willingness to suffer loss to reach a compromise, flattering others, and so on. Anyway, in simple words, I was a typical, self-protective kind of person. I was like a snail, without any other abilities but to protect myself with a thick shell to keep others from harming me.

I was willing to give up certain personal interests. As to the ones I deemed most important, however, people were not allowed to infringe on them: I protected them with a thick shell. This hard shell had hidden my ego and my preoccupation with raising my level. I also came to understand why most people had thought me unselfish and willing to suffer losses, yet those who knew me intimately thought me quite selfish, which manifested itself as an unwillingness to care for others.

I also realized that the need for self-protection is one of my intense attachments and has been a serious barrier on my cultivation path. I have been the kind of person who stubbornly protects his essential interest and does not let others to touch it, and I have tried to hide my attachments with excuses. I have come to this understand fairly late, but I did so today. I also came to understand another problem that had been puzzling me. I was the kind of person who originally lacked personal interests and thought I was diligent on my cultivation path. However, I sensed that later on I underwent a change and developed strong ordinary people's mentalities. This intense attachment blocked me from progressing on my cultivation path and presented difficulties for me in getting rid of the old forces' interferences.

Now I want to discard my self-protective ways of thinking. When looking inside for reasons for my dilemmas, I also realized I did not really comprehend the meaning of "looking inside for reasons." This was a deeply hidden problem and has created significant difficulties in my cultivation. Now I want to find the root of the problem and deal with it completely.

October 7, 2007