(Clearwisdom.net) I started my Falun Gong cultivation practice early on, in 1994. After I attended Teacher's nine-day Fa lecture in Guangzhou, I became completely devoted to my cultivation. I even became a volunteer assistant at one of the Falun Gong outdoor group exercise practice sites in Guangzhou. To help more people learn Falun Gong, I used my spare time to help establish many Falun Gong group practice sites in various cities and counties of Guangdong Province and Hunan Province. Each group practice site grew quickly from several dozen practitioners to thousands or even tens of thousands. Within five years of practicing Falun Gong from 1994 to 1999, I became a new person in terms of both physical health and morality. The many different beautiful and marvelous cultivation states I experienced are beyond description.
Just when I felt I needed to further upgrade my cultivation level, the cultivation environment took a sudden downturn after April 25, 1999 as a result of Jiang Zemin's jealousy of Falun Gong's popularity and his malicious persecution. On the other hand, it was a pivotal moment for genuine Falun Gong practitioners. Whether I could fundamentally upgrade my cultivation level was determined by whether I could step forward to safeguard Falun Gong in its darkest hour. But I failed this most critical test. I have failed Teacher's tireless instruction and his compassion for me. I have learned a very difficult lesson.
To be able to step forward for the Fa is to be able to step out of our humanness. Faced with Jiang Zemin's massive persecution and the old forces' overwhelming demonic interference that were unprecedented and unexpected, I felt very confused and lost. All I could think was "Why? Why is the Chinese Communist government persecuting Teacher and Falun Gong?" I thought maybe things would change and Jiang would recant his order. At the time, I felt I was keeping a benevolent thought, but in fact it was just my human notions. I told myself to endure the injustice and hoped it would go away on its own, but deep down in my heart I was afraid to step forward. I have repeatedly suffered from the Chinese Communist Party's (CCP) various political movements and I have learned what the CCP is capable of doing to those it considers to be dissidents. My attachment to fear got the better of me. My past experiences as a victim of the CCP's political movements had taught me to quietly observe the situation, to swallow my pride and endure the injustice, and to wait until the CCP changed its mind. I felt I was not alone, as some of my fellow practitioners also shared the same mentality. Because a large number of Falun Gong practitioners were overcome with their notions and attachments, and we lost contact with each other, we missed the opportunities to help each other overcome the persecution and eliminate the old forces' interference. As a result, the persecution did not end as those of us who did not step forward for Falun Gong had hoped. Instead, our silence fueled the persecution.
The CCP spared no efforts to persecute Falun Gong from the very beginning of the persecution. Under orders from Jiang to justify and sustain the persecution against Falun Gong, the media in China was rife with propaganda carefully designed to instigate people's hatred and fear of Falun Gong. To help Jiang eradicate Falun Gong, the CCP would stop at nothing to persecute Falun Gong practitioners. I believed that no one could do anything to stop the CCP's horrific, extensive atrocities against Falun Gong. Because I failed to understand the nature of the persecution from the perspective of the Fa, my stubborn human notions got the better of me. As a result, my morality and conscience took a back seat to my self-preservation. I decided to retire early from my management position in the government to avoid the spotlight. Afterwards, I started a small business with a friend in Guangzhou. I decided to watch the persecution from a detached point of view, and resume practicing Falun Gong when the persecution was over. Little did I realize that I had already become an ordinary person again. My morality started to deteriorate right away. It was horrible. I started to smoke, drink and carouse. I was perfectly healthy and had a rosy complexion when I practiced Falun Gong, but soon after I stopped my cultivation practice, all of my previous illnesses surfaced again. I aged quickly and became increasingly thin. I became the sick old man I was prior to my Falun Gong cultivation. After some time, the persecution still had not ended, so I completely gave up practicing Falun Gong and continued my everyday person's lifestyle.
Stepping forward for Falun Gong is a touchstone to determine a genuine Falun Gong practitioner. This one thought differentiates a god from a human. The difference is as far apart as heaven and earth. I seemed to understand it, but it is not enough to just know it, understand or talk about it. A cultivator must take righteous actions and pass the test to validate whether he truly has righteous thoughts. In other words, a genuine cultivator must have righteous thoughts and righteous actions to attain godhood.
Take myself as an example. I thought I had righteous thoughts, but my lack of righteous actions proved that I never truly had righteous thoughts from the beginning. Although I joined fellow practitioners in the group appeal in front of the provincial government on July 20, 1999, I was neither confident nor fearless, because I didn't feel I was on the side of justice. When the Chinese local authorities demanded that I renounce Falun Gong in writing, I gave in to their threat and produced a statement to appease them. Although I did not slander Falun Gong in my statement, I dared not write, "Falun Gong is a righteous cultivation practice." I was very sly in my approach. I validated the scientific aspect of Falun Gong from science's perspective in a roundabout way in order to avoid persecution. Although I refused to work for the Public Security Bureau as a special agent to collect information about fellow Falun Gong practitioners, I was too afraid to condemn or confront the police over their crimes against Falun Gong. Although I would clarify the truth about Falun Gong to my bosses, colleagues and friends, all of whom I was confident would not turn me in, I was afraid to step forward like genuine Falun Gong practitioners to appeal directly to the Chinese government in Beijing. One thing I feel absolutely ashamed about is that when countless fellow practitioners were suffering from illegal incarceration and arduous persecution, I was hiding in my business enterprise, thinking about nothing but profit.
I have taken a detour for five years. Falun Gong is infinitely divine and solemn, and it is deeply admirable that Falun Gong practitioners are helping with truth-clarification. Next to genuine Falun Gong practitioners, a so-called cultivator that has become a non-cultivator like myself is so insignificant, hopeless and pitiful. I am making a public confession of my mistake, which will hopefully motivate those Falun Gong practitioners like me to step forward promptly. As someone not qualified to be a Dafa disciple, this is the least I can do to repay Teacher's instruction and salvation. Finally, I would like to offer my sincere advice to the world's people: Wake up from the CCP's lies right away. Only Falun Gong can create a sustainable, beautiful future for the new mankind.
