Protecting Dafa with My Own Conduct is Forever My Responsibility

(Shared at 2001 Western U.S. Conference) A while back I felt my mind was so dirty that I would never be able to reach consummation. I'm not worthy enough for such a pure goal. I saw so many practitioners with crystal pure hearts that I felt sick to be in my own skin. I didn't know what to do. My thought karma was huge. This thought affected me for days. Then I realized how selfish I was to worry about myself so much. I have gained so much from Falun Dafa. For 30 years I was very selfish. All my relationships were based on me. What could I get? Who could fill my needs? I was a master of manipulation and deceit and I hurt a lot of people. I recently met my ex-fiancée that I haven't seen for over two years. Her only memories of me were wicked and painful. We spent the evening together. I used the opportunity to tell her my journey with Falun Dafa for the past two years. At the end of the night she looked at me and said " You've changed." I am so grateful I had the opportunity to show her that Falun Dafa is good. Falun Dafa helped me break through lifetimes of solid negative patterns. Patterns of anger, selfishness, insecurity and fear. I realized the most important reason that I have attained the Fa is to help others. To help as many people as I can understand that Falun Dafa is good so they too can begin to live peaceful and happy lives. Last year I decided to join the media team so I could contribute more to Fa rectification. In December, my mom & I flew to the Vancouver conference. One of my tasks was to shoot video footage of an upcoming documentary with a fellow practitioner. When I arrived I could feel a huge karma release coming on. My body started to hurt as fever and razor sharp chills filled my body like a big bag of karma. It took every bit of strength I had left to make it to a hotel. I dropped into bed. I couldn't move. My head spun, my throat swelled up and my skin turned black. It felt like hell just relocated inside my body. Massive headaches, ice cold sweats and an intense blistering throat kept me up all night. At 6:30am Mom told me to get ready for the conference. I had to go. I had the camera. I had to shoot the conference for the documentary. The exercises started at 8:00. I shot as much as I could. I then started to do the exercises. I started to hold the wheel. My whole world started to spin. I kept saying to myself, "I can do this. Just a little longer. Hold it together. You're a practitioner. Stay strong." I knew this was a big opportunity for me to break away from my attachment to suffering and stand strong in Dafa. This was the first time ever in two and a half years that I couldn't keep my arms up. I remember Master said, "Cultivation practice is a serious matter, the distance has become greater and greater and each opportunity will not occur again." I felt defeated. I had a chance to persevere and I blew it. I dragged myself to the conference. I sat and listened to the speeches as best I could. I lasted till the end. Practitioners gathered in groups to share experiences. I was in too much pain so I left. The next day my mom left for the morning exercises and experience sharing. I couldn't move. I lay in bed in excruciating pain. I couldn't even get up to go to the bathroom. I got a call from my mom about 10:00. She said, "Oh, I wish you were here, Joel. The experience sharing is so amazing." " Mom I can't move." "Yea, but the parade is going to start in an hour." " Mom, I can't move." "Oh, are you sure? You really shouldn't miss everything." "Mom. I said I can't move!" "Ahh, that's too bad. I wish you wouldn't miss this. The experiences are so clear and fresh, everyone is learning so much from each other. Oh, by the way," she said, "Zenon wanted me to tell you that it is very important where you position the Fa in your heart." My Mom continued to talk about the amazing experiences she had heard. I paused for what seemed like an hour as my mom continued to talk. I finally cut her off. "What did he mean by that?" "What?" "I said what did he mean by that?" "You have to ask him." "Mom, what did he mean?" "He meant it is very important where you position the Fa in your heart during this serious time of Fa rectification." "But what did he mean?" I hung up the phone and looked at the ceiling. I was in so much pain I couldn't even focus my eyes. I knew at that moment I had to get out of bed somehow. I knew at that moment I had to make it to the experience sharing somehow. I knew at that moment I had to parade for two hours in the cold rain somehow. I knew at that moment I had to place the Fa before my pain and suffering. I knew then that this was a huge opportunity to see how true I was to the Fa. I was given another chance to place the Fa first in my heart. I made it to the meeting; I couldn't talk, I just listened. I walked in the parade for two hours in the cold rain. I was the last person in line holding my little Falun Dafa flag. I went to the Chinese embassy. I stood in the cold with my eyes closed holding my little flag. The day finally came to an end. I found myself in a practitioner's home. I sat on a plush couch with my head back on fluffy pillows. I fell asleep and woke up to a bowl of hot soup. The day was over. My tribulations passed. Master Li says in the Great Lakes conference, "The process of enduring is but a brief moment and besides, time has been accelerated. In the future when you look back, if you can reach consummation that is, you'll find that it was nothing and was just like a dream." I thought it's easy to do nothing. It's easy to stay in bed. It's easy to not step forward. When we understand that it is so important where we place the Fa in our hearts, we can persevere through the worst pain and we find that it passes and that we gain so much. I flew home that evening. My body totally shut down for the next eight days. It was the biggest karma release I had ever experienced. I didn't eat for five days. Every time the pain overwhelmed me I would thank Master Li for giving me this opportunity to get rid of this garbage in my soul. I never once lost the balance of my mind. I always knew I was a practitioner and that this will pass. On January 10 2001, Professor Kun Lun Zhang, the Canadian citizen who was sentenced to a labour camp on Nov 15th was released from his torture due to international pressure. Things went crazy! The media team started to issue media advisories, press statements and hold press conferences. Media release after media release, press conference after press conference and interview after interview, everyone was in a whirlwind of action. Even though I was still releasing karma I knew this was so important that nothing else mattered. This had to come first. This had to be done over everything else. I worked full days and full nights non-stop. We had such a positive media run. The cameras were on us. Reporters wanted to interview us. Members of parliament and International human rights and constitutional civil rights lawyers came to help us. We were making something happen. I was so excited. The next week 5 people burned themselves in Tiananmen square. News papers plastered front page propaganda right from China. Full page negative articles bashed Falun Dafa. I felt so depressed and deflated so heavy. I called to talk to a newspaper editor. "These were not Falun Dafa practitioners! This act goes totally against the teachings of Falun Dafa. How could you just blindly echo a story pumped out by a news agency that is owned by the Chinese government? The same government who has vowed to eliminate Falun Gong? For the last 9 years millions of people in 40 countries around the world have embraced Falun Dafa. Governments around the world respect and support it. The only place where this garbage media is coming from is China. Can't you see what the real story is here? Your false reports mislead people. You print a story without even investigating the real truth. Don't you think that is irresponsible reporting? You are ruining my reputation as a businessman in this city. Falun Dafa focuses on Truth-Compassion-Tolerance!" The guy on the other phone said, "Hey man, don't yell at me, that's not my department, you're talking to the wrong guy." I felt ashamed. This isn't how a practitioner is supposed to act. What kind of impression did I just leave with that guy? Master says; "To endure with anger grievance or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns. To endure completely without anger or grievance is a cultivators forbearance." So why did I feel so stressed out over this? I shouldn't act this way. Why was I acting like an every day person? Master said in "Eliminate Your Last Attachments," "Over the past year practitioners' own karma, inadequate understanding of the Fa, inability to discard attachments amidst tribulations, inability to deal with things using righteous thoughts amidst painful trials and so on, are the main reasons behind evil's escalation of the persecution, and are the fundamental excuses that the evil has used to attack the Fa." Then I realized, I haven't been studying the Fa. I put all my time into making the media understand our point of view that I didn't set time aside to read. Master says in "Deter Interference," "Everyone should now be more clear on why I've often asked you to read the books more! The Fa can reveal all attachments, the Fa can eradicate all evils, the Fa can expose and dispel all lies and the Fa can strengthen righteous thoughts." I understood by not reading the Fa I let the demons of stress and frustration get into my mind. This is exactly what the Chinese government wants to happen. The evil forces want to deflate practitioners, to break them down. I realized this whole persecution is a huge test for my own cultivation. A test that I must pass. Master says in "Towards Consummation," "Those of you who do work for Dafa, especially, shouldn't use any pretext to conceal the fact that you don't read the books or study the Fa. Even if you do work for me, your master, you still need to study the Fa everyday with a calm mind and cultivate yourself solidly." Master says, " If a person does not study the Fa well himself, he will not do a good job in his work. If you study the Fa well you will not do a bad job in your work." My study of the Fa began to come first. I got up earlier in the morning to find time to read and do the exercise's everyday and I would read before bed, no matter how busy I became. I soon started to see where I fell short. Master says, "As cultivators we should absolutely not adopt any over zealous approach or speech." I learned not to react immediately to negative articles. Before I sent any letter to clarify the truth or before I called anyone, I would call other practitioners for their opinions and help. I found their input and support showed me where I could improve so I could represent the Fa with a calm heart and clarify the truth with wisdom. A practitioner once said to me, "Master addressees us as future Buddha's, Taos and Gods. How can we be future Buddha's Taos and Gods if we forsake the teachings that will get us there in the first place?" We must continue to study the Fa so we can all validate the Fa with reason, clarify the truth with wisdom and spread the Fa and offer people salvation with benevolence. Master says, "Protecting Dafa with your own conduct is forever the responsibility of Dafa diciples." I met a reporter who is from the Newswire agency and pumped out many bad articles about Falun Dafa. The reporter and I talked for an hour. He saw I was relaxed. He saw I was cool headed and kind. He saw I was a normal person. He saw I was real. I changed his perspective on Falun Dafa because of who I am. When we study the Fa our personalities shine, our characters shine. We don't have to sell Falun Dafa to anyone. We don't have to convince anyone that Falun Dafa is good. They see it in who we are. They feel our compassion and kindness. And they will remember you when they hear any news about Falun Dafa. They will say, "Hey I remember that Joel, he's a good guy and he practices Falun Dafa so Falun Dafa must be good." I am the face of Falun Dafa. I represent the Fa. Protecting Dafa with my own conduct is forever my responsibility. I feel this representation is the most powerful way to change people's hearts about Falun Dafa. A practitioner said to me recently, "When I study the Fa well it seems the media starts to print good articles. When I feel I'm not studying the Fa enough it seems the articles get bad." It's strange, but not really. We are all particles of the Fa. We are all connected. When our hearts are pure we all radiate Zhen-Shan-Ren together. When we all radiate the Fa, how can evil exist? As we continue to step forward and face evil with Truth Compassion Tolerance and with a peaceful mind, we continue to rectify the Fa from within the Fa. When all the negative propaganda began it affected me a lot. What are people going to think about Falun Dafa? How is the public going to react? Well, something amazing is happening. Masters quotes in Zhuan Falun; "When you step back during a conflict, you will find the sea and the sky boundless and there will surely be another scene. Since Falun Dafa has received so much attention in the media, mostly from the Chinese government news agency, my practice site has been packed! So many new people are coming to learn the Fa. I even talked to one new practitioner who said "I saw a really bad article on Falun Dafa in the paper and I said, wow I have to go and find out what this is!" It is so wonderful that kind-hearted people can feel the truth within their hearts amidst all the lies and deception. Master says at the Western US. Conference, " All everyday people with righteous thoughts are standing up against this... The lies and fabrications will all be exposed one by one." There are no words to express my gratitude to Master Li. His guidance and benevolence gave me the wisdom and strength to choose the most important path of my life. Everyday I am tested to see how true I am to this righteous path and everyday I think of Master Li and I pass my test. No way will I let him down, no way will I let my self down and no way will I let all of you down. We are all particles of the Fa together. And together we support each other. A practitioner recently said to me, "No matter what happens in the outside world, no matter how they bad-mouth us, we always know the truth, we always understand each other, we always share our experiences. What else can be more wonderful? I thank everyone of you here and those practitioners all over the world. There are no words to express how I feel to be a particle of the Fa with all of you. Your support is such a gift. Together we will continue to rectify the Fa with our kind and compassionate actions until the whole world knows the truth, that Falun Dafa is good. Thank you