Reflections of a North Carolina practitioner

Dear Master, dear cultivators,

My name is xxx. I have been practicing cultivation for two years. My own tribulations and what has been happening to Falun Dafa itself during the past two years have made this time period very disquieting for me. And yet the past two years have also become the most treasured and significant period of time for me so far. Having been cultivating for two years, I am now calmer and more peaceful. I am also becoming more and more aware of the importance of promoting Falun Dafa. The more bad things that I try to get rid of from myself, the more chances I will have to propagate Dafa. I have more initiative and the way I promote Dafa is becoming more natural.

When reading the articles written by practitioners in China about their experiences and reflections, my eyes are full of tears. Their unshakable faith in Falun Dafa under such horrible circumstances deeply touched me. I have become even more encouraged to cultivate diligently. In my everyday life, whenever I come across personal conflicts or mental disturbances, I always look into my inner self. I hold this as my principle whether I can dig out the attachments that have caused the problems or not. I have always been actively participating in Hongfa activities. However, the following burden keeps weighing on me. In mainland China, practitioners are improving themselves very quickly due to the inclement conditions. Many of them have already gone through the test of death or life. I don't seem to have such tremendous obstacles here in the USA. How can I be sure that I can also pass the test of death or life? Because of this burden, I have many misgivings and unhappy feelings whenever I can't make it to propagate Falun Dafa. The problem is that my own schedule often conflicts with Fa studying or Fa propagating. The classes that I am attending, the work that I am doing, the birthday parties of my husband's nephew or niece, or the family reunions on holidays -- they all need my presence. Later on, I told myself that no matter what happens, I should go ahead to participate in Hongfa activities. If my husband won't allow me to go, I will still try to go or leave without his notice. Otherwise, how can I know whether or not I can really abandon everything? I refused to join in any of my husband's social activities because I regarded them as interference. During that period of time, I was afraid of being left behind in cultivation. I ran into quite some problems in propagating Fa. Anyhow, I seemed to have gone through the process. I also had hoped that the Falun Dafa crackdown in mainland China would end soon or Master Li would give us new articles for direction so that I would not fumble around in the darkness. However, what actually happened ran contrary to my expectations. The crackdown in China escalated even further and the news from China became more and more horrible. The sharp differences between the cultivation environment that I have right here and those in China made me feel uneasy. I asked myself, where is my passing of the death or life test? How can I make it in cultivation? How long can such difficulties still last? Is there something not good enough still existing among those practitioners? Is Master Li waiting for the practitioners' improvements? What else could be the problem?

I don't know the answers. When other practitioners exchange ideas, they will talk about the crackdown in China , the wickedness of the demons, and how to spread the news about Dafa. I feel puzzled. I have the feeling that this persistent suppression has something to do with our own attachments. The demons are evil, but if we all cultivate well, where can such demons exist? Do our fellow practitioners in China also have some kind of demonic behaviors in the process of upholding Falun Dafa? I decided to first look into myself and see in which aspects I have not done well enough. I began to put myself into the shoes of those practitioners in China. If I were in China, how would I face up to the crackdown? I found out that I was not afraid. Therefore, I decided to go back to China. I didnt know what I would do in China but, all in all, I was prepared to stand together with my fellow practitioners in China to rectify Falun Dafa. I was prepared to bear any consequences.

During a study session, I told other practitioners about my decision to go back to China. They said that I should not arrange the cultivation way by myself, because by doing so, I would incur ordinary people's unnecessary troubles that would affect my cultivation. If the tribulations became too hard to pass, would I instead turn into the opposite? Other practitioners all suggested that I should be careful in making such a decision. I told them I was a person who would be willing to die at dusk once the truth was heard at dawn. I thought in my mind that this was just the time to prove myself. Im usually very calm, but that day I became very excited when talking. On the way back home, I recited in my mind again and again the poem "Non-Existence" by Master Li: "No pursuit when living, no lingering when ceasing, purging all misconceptions, Buddha is not hard to cultivate." I wanted to strengthen my determination through this poem. I regarded going back to China as an inevitable test to pass along the path of my cultivation to succeed, and that I was moving towards this direction and I would make a great stride forward. Although my going back to China was not for the success of my cultivation, I felt that the possibility of my success would significantly improved.

My attachments then kept popping up, and I got rid of them one by one. I was extremely excited and intoxicated by my own decision. I was troubled by such feelings. I asked myself, what are these feelings? Where are they coming from? What on earth was dragging me into such situations? I began to doubt my feelings and my decisions. I recited the poem "Non-Existence" again and again: "purging all misconceptions, purging all misconceptions." Finally, only this phrase became more and more clear in my mind. I realized my situation was not right. My heart was so restless and I was not behaving like a cultivator at all. I tried very hard to calm down, and realized that, although I had a very strong belief in Falun Dafa, I mixed many of my sentiments and attachments in making my decisions. I had that deeply hidden fear which was so evasive that I didn't want to face up to it, let alone tell others. The fear was that I might be left behind in the ultimate achievement of cultivation. Wasn't it such a strong attachment? Trying to cover up this attachment with my strong belief in Dafa was wrong. I no longer tried to cover up my own demon nature. I dug it out, and threw it away. Cultivation is not a game. Success in cultivation doesn't rely on my own intelligence and pursuits. I didn't have to do something formally to prove to myself that I was not afraid of death. I have received such a great teaching and should cultivate step by step with a noble mind and steadily improve my Xinxing. There is no shortcut for cultivation, there is no model for cultivation. Suddenly, I found out so many attachments. Relying on human sentiments won't make it for the rectification of Dafa. The demon nature within human beings will however avail itself and drag us deeper and deeper into ever more strong attachments. So at last, I decided to reverse my decision of going to China. I would rather stay here in the USA for a while.

So I calmed down and studied Dafa with a peaceful mind. After some period of time, I gradually came to have new understandings about my cultivation environment, of how I should uphold the Fa, and of how I could better propagate Dafa. Master Li said: "A person's cultivation process is a process of constantly getting rid of one's attachments." I realized no matter when the cultivation stage might be, or whatever the outside conditions and circumstances might turn out to be, the most important issue for me is to improve my Xinxing. It is even better to uphold and propagate Dafa with a pure mind. My understanding of the phrase of "untouched heart" is that I not only should not change my strong belief in Dafa, but also, I should not change my heart because of my attachments. Whether or not I should go back to China didn't bother me anymore. I no longer regarded whether or not I participated in group Hongfa activities as the sole criterion to judge myself as to whether I would be left behind in cultivation and whether I was still standing on the basis of Dafa. I no longer doubted my cultivation. Having gotten rid of these strong attachments, I felt much more relaxed. I began to join in some of my husband's social activities. I took such occasions as a good opportunity to tell the true story about Falun Dafa to the outside world. Master Li would not have put me in an environment where I couldn't adjust for cultivation. Whenever I feel something is odd, it must be that I myself have some kind of problem.

I remember once I accompanied my husband and three of his classmates to go to New Orleans to attend the Jazz festival there. I knew it was a good chance to spread the news about Dafa so I brought some Dafa information with me. Right after we started out, an Israeli student began to utter bad words that irritated me and made me feel uncomfortable. In my mind, I began to make judgments of the three students. I asked myself who would be a good fellow, who would be interested in Dafa. When I began to chat with them, I found out that the Israeli student showed the greatest interest in Dafa, while the person I thought might be interested in Dafa kept silent, showing no interest whatsoever. The Israeli student kept asking me about Falun Dafa whenever he had the chance and repeatedly uttered the three words "Zhen Shan Ren." He even read through some articles from Essentials of Further Advancement.

When we arrived at the outdoor stadium in New Orleans, there were thousands upon thousands of spectators and visitors. I wanted to find an empty spot to do the exercises, but I just couldn't find a suitable place no matter how hard I tried. I thought to myself, these many people came here to have fun and relax, who will pay attention to my exercises? If I started to do the exercises, will these people regard me as a fool? I was used to promoting Dafa together with others so I was a little bit apprehensive of others attention if they realized that I came there to promote Dafa. I covered my fear with a fake lofty attitude and made another attempt to look for a spot in vain. I tried to contact local Dafa practitioners but failed. I thought of quitting all together and simply bringing back all the Dafa information without doing anything. On second thought, I asked myself: "Look, how many people here among this crowd know that there is Falun Dafa in this world? Won't my fear of being ridiculed prevent some predestined people from knowing Dafa?" Looking at those jubilant crowds, I began to develop a compassionate mind and I didn't feel lonely anymore. I was not alone; isn't our Master taking care of us all the time? How about those numerous Buddhas, Taos, and Gods in various dimensions? What I was going to tell others is the universal law. Why should I fear being mocked? If others dont pay any attention, was that because of my own heart of pursuit?

I put all the Dafa information materials on the ground, and, listening to the music from my pocket cassette, I began to do the exercises. After I finished the fifth exercise, a lady nearby came to me and took some Dafa information. I repeated the first four exercises four times. Although there were 7 stages where people were playing music at the same time, I was not in the least disturbed. I felt like I was in another dimension, and it felt so blissful. When I opened my eyes, I saw many people looking at me. Some asked me questions. I gave each of them a packet of Dafa information. It didn't take long before my 200 packets of Dafa materials were almost all gone. A man challenged me with some bad questions. I didn't mind and didn't get angry. I simply didn't express any attitude whatsoever, and with an upright heart, I explained Dafa from Dafa's point of view. I noticed that he immediately changed his attitude. When I was passing out the Dafa materials, I realized I was judging the people by their appearances. I was adopting my personal standards, my personal concepts in judging whether a person would have the chance to learn Dafa. I gradually did away with this bad idea and found I was more easygoing. People began to smile at me. Two young girls jumped up at once when they had read the materials, and told me that they also wanted to learn. I was surprised. It seemed that these two girls were destined to meet Dafa. I kept with me the last packet because I wanted to give it to the Israeli student. I then began to read the Chinese Zhuan Falun. A lady approached me and asked me curiously: "You are reading this book?" I told her yes and then explained Falun Dafa to her and gave to her my last packet of Dafa materials. She asked whether this Dafa could purify her thoughts. I told her yes. Her friends also wanted to have a copy of the packet, but I had none left. Seeing all those various people going away with a packet of Dafa information, I told myself I should not force myself to expect that some of them would genuinely take up a life of cultivation and stick to it throughout their lives. However, I could expect that they at least had the chance to know Dafa in this world, and they had the chance to know the three words "Zhen Shan Ren." Maybe all this would lay down a seed for future cultivation. From that solo Dafa promotion experience, I began to have more confidence in my doing Dafa promotion alone, and most importantly, I got rid of some attachments and prejudices. So long as my heart is righteous, many things can get easily straightened out.

In the middle of May 2000, I very naturally ended up accompanying my husband to visit China. With rationality, I told myself, whatever I might run across in China, I would always aspire to achieve the state of "untouched heart." I would always uphold a righteous mind of no fear, no extreme. In spite of all these mental preparations, I was still very worried when approaching Customs. My heart was beating so fast that it was difficult to breathe. After getting out of Customs, there was another checkpoint. A man waved to us and signaled us to avoid the checkpoint and we left the airport from another gate.

After I arrived home, my family all told me how severe the situation was. They asked me to be cautious and not to casually utter complaints in public areas, not to meet any other practitioners, and not to go to Tiananmen Square. My grandfather and grandmother were both Falun Dafa practitioners. However, my grandfather also joined my family in asking me to keep a low profile, and said some things that were not congruent with Falun Dafa. I felt very sad and told them some of my own understandings. I didn't force my ideas on them, and told them that I didn't plan to go to Tiananmen. I also told them that I was also a Dafa practitioner and they should not tell me what to do and what not to do. I didn't talk too much about the suppression of practitioners with them. I told them that now the whole world had come to know Falun Dafa and more and more people worldwide were learning Dafa. I read Master Li's articles to my grandparents. My grandmother told me that the policemen around their house were very nice to them. These policemen knew that Dafa was good. They told my grandparents that as long as my grandparents didn't go to appeal for Dafa, they could stay at home and do whatever they wanted. One policeman asked his mother-in-law to be a Dafa assistant, and sometimes, he would discuss Dafa with her until very late at night. He expressed that he himself would like to learn Dafa. He read through Zhuan Falun and took a copy of this book from those confiscated to another person. When he was on duty, he would bring food to those jailed Dafa practitioners. The second day, that same policeman, together with the community representative, came to our family. I treated them like guests and chatted with them and answered their questions. I told them that Dafa was good. I talked with them honestly and told them that those who labeled Dafa as an evil cult were themselves truly evil. I suggested that they keep a clear mind, knowing what was right and what was wrong, that in their work, they should restrain themselves and try not to commit too much karma. I also suggested that they should tell the true story about Dafa to their parents and children. Finally, they left us with a calm heart.

Later on, I kind of wanted to meet some fellow practitioners that I had known before. I reminded myself that I should not proceed to do things when dragged by my attachments, especially things that were closely related to Dafa. That would mean that I was not serious enough. With permission from fellow practitioners, I met and discussed with practitioners. I told them about overseas practitioners' efforts in cultivation and Dafa propagation. They told me that they held discussion and study meetings regularly and were not afraid. Some of them had been to Beijing and some said that it was not a must that everybody went to Beijing to appeal. It should be the same to promote Dafa anywhere. Everybody talked about his/her own experiences and reflections, and all raised this same question: the suppression had lasted for such a long time, it must have something to do with our attachments. One practitioner gave an example. When one practitioner was arrested, he told the police about what he saw from his third eye, and he was then put into a psychiatric hospital. In the hospital, this practitioner said cultivators were not afraid of medication, so the doctor then doubled his dosage. My own understanding was that demons were evil by nature, but I should always look into myself. I talked about my initial decision to go back to China and then my change in this decision. I said that I kept finding attachments and then doing away with them throughout the whole process of my decision to come to China. It was not the actual action or thing that mattered.

Three or four days later, around 8p.m., I was suddenly blocked on the street by two motorcycles and a car. Without a word, one person took my bag and another held me to the car. I was not expecting this but I remained surprisingly calm. One man mumbled into his cellular phone. I suspected that I was being kidnapped. I asked them whether this was private or public business. They told me it was public business. I understood at once. I didn't have any other thoughts in my mind because I had Dafa within my heart. In the following four or more hours of talk, I honestly and politely answered their questions with a compassionate heart and soft words. I regarded such an occurrence as a good chance to spread the true news about Dafa. Whenever my words became coarse, I would look into myself and see what attachment I was having and would try to get rid of it right away. I realized that they were Public Security personnel specializing in dealing with those Dafa practitioners who had returned from overseas. One of them told me that they had all graduated from college and that they had read many Dafa books because of their current work. Given their receptiveness, I talked about my own thoughts about Dafa. They asked me whether practitioners in China had urged me to bring something abroad with directions to do this or that. I said to them: "If there were such a practitioner who had asked me to do such a thing, I would have definitely regarded him as someone who has a problem with his Xinxing. Cultivation is to improve one's own Xinxing, to get rid of various attachments and bad ideas. Cultivation is not to do something." They kept nodding in agreement. It was clear they really had some understanding about Dafa.

The second day, there was another round of 8 hours of long discussion. I behaved the way a cultivator should behave. What words I should say, what words I should not say; I maintained a clear balance based upon the requirements of a cultivator. Whatever they asked me, I tried to lead them to topics of cultivation so that their compassionate side might be explored. When they asked about what other practitioners had said in our meetings, I selectively told them things they could understand or accept, such as how I or other practitioners passed Xinxing tests. When they asked me about third eyes or supernatural capabilities, I told them that I only cultivated to improve my Xinxing, not for these abilities. Then they stopped asking me any more questions on those issues.

I also told them about the significant trend of Dafa promotion throughout the world. They said that it was illegal to meet practitioners in China. I told them that those rules that were laid down simply to suppress Dafa were wrong. Those who labeled Falun Dafa, which teaches people to be truthful, compassionate and tolerant, and Dafa practitioners who cultivate truth, compassion and tolerance, as evil were truly evil themselves. They then said that they knew that most Falun Dafa practitioners were good, but there are a few people with ulterior motives who mingled with practitioners. What would happen if Dafa practitioners were manipulated by these bad characters? I told them that Dafa practitioners asked for nothing so they wouldn't be utilized. Those who tried to do bad things, who tried to take advantage of Dafa for their personal motives, would bear all their own karma in the future. I told them that human beings were not able to take advantage of Dafa, and they agreed. When they asked about the personal life of Master Li, I seriously told them that I didn't want to talk about such issues, that they should not discuss my great Master in such a trivial manner. They said yes, yes, no more questions.

Whenever they didn't agree with me and began to argue with me, I would restrain myself from arguing with them. Their immediate boss, a woman, later arrived at our house and talked with my parents and my husband. When she was talking to my family, she loudly scolded me for quite some time, referencing many ordinary people's sensibilities. She was very excited and fully explained every detail. I didn't say a single word, patiently waiting for her to finish her lecture. I felt pity for her. The police followed me everywhere, and they knew my daily schedule and often called me and wanted to talk to me. They invited me to eat out, to visit the suburbs. Sometimes I felt so irritated that I almost wanted to go to visit Thailand to avoid these people. But later on, I thought I should get rid of various attachments whenever they popped up. Irritation was also a kind of attachment and I also should rip it out. I should be prepared to bear whatever might happen to me because all these happenings must have some underlying reasons.

During the last talk before I returned to the USA, they said that if I talked about their secret meetings with me, both my and my husband's futures would be in jeopardy. I told them that I was a Dafa practitioner, I knew what to do and there was Dafa there. I would follow the requirements of Dafa; they needn't tell me what to do. I also told them that I understood their work. However, I did not care at all how they treated me. I only wanted them to be aware of right and wrong. Whatever society one happens to be in, "Zhen Shan Ren" was the only standard to judge who was good and who was bad. They were working for the government, so I told them to let the government know that it was wrong to label Dafa as an evil cult. Then they said they didn't represent the government, and that they regarded me as their friend. I told them that regardless of who they were, be they my parents, my relatives, my friends, or simply strangers, I would like to tell them the true story of Dafa since they had the chance to talk to me. I regarded them as living beings, as beings in human form who happened to be in this world when Dafa was spreading. I hoped that they would treasure the opportunity and read through Zhuan Falun carefully with no prejudice whatsoever. I also suggested that they tell the true story of Dafa to their relatives.

I noticed that throughout all the meetings, these people never mentioned Master Li's full name. They either called Grand Master Li, Grand Master, or simply your Master. These people could also learn what was really happening from the Minghui website. They expressed their respect to Master Li very naturally. I found that these people came to know Master Li's new articles even before some of the practitioners in China did. One man boasted that he could easily distinguish fake articles with just one glance. Another man added: "Oh, yeah, full of dynamite." I was very happy to hear that and told them that everyone has his/her compassionate side. I said I could see their compassionate hearts. I told them that this was their true selves. I asked them not to be tainted by the various post-natally formed concepts and miss the chance to obtain Dafa. I knew they all liked me to tell them stories about Dafa and sometimes, when I became too excited when telling Dafa to them I would immediately remind myself not to foster any kind of complacency. They told me that I was normal, that I cultivated well, and that I had a good character, which reminded me of Master Li's teaching: "If someone says that you are good, you may not really be good Only one who complies with this characteristic of the universe is a good person."

This last talk with these people was arranged to be in a hotel near my parents house. It was 10 to midnight when they escorted me to my home still hungry with questions about Dafa. They accompanied me up to the sixth floor and said they would accompany the person to whereever they took the person away. They also said that they had promised to take me home by midnight.

I also met with some of my friends in China. Back in 1998 when I told them about Dafa, they were not moved at all. This time, all the talk was centered around Dafa. They showed great interest and kept asking questions. I told them the true story of Falun Dafa. Some of them immediately began to read the books. Some of my friends also asked me to mail books to them.

Later, I went to visit Tibet. When outside Lasa, I did the exercises as much as possible. Whenever I had the chance, I would promote Dafa to foreign visitors, to people in restaurants and hotels. Because several people co-rented two taxis, it was inevitable that scheduling conflicts would arise among the taxi drivers, the guides and the visitors. I took such an opportunity to tell Dafa stories to an American lady who shared one taxi with us. I told her that once one's heart cherished "Zhen Shan Ren," it would be easy for one to resolve interpersonal conflicts. She said that was interesting, so she kept repeating these three words in order to remember them. One day, when somebody misunderstood her, she kept silent. I reminded her of "Zhen Shan Ren" and she burst into smiles, saying that she was just recollecting these three words. She asked me whether Falun Dafa was a religion and I said no. In fact, whatever one might believe in, it won't be wrong if one follows "Zhen Shan Ren."

I have this final reflection: no matter who one is or which country one might come from, if one has few misconceptions, and always considers others situations completely out of compassion, then, naturally, one will come to know what to do.

Thanks to everybody.